Who am I?

I've been finding myself thinking about a song I wrote a few years ago that I've had a few chances to perform this summer. The song is "Who am I?" and is eerily prophetic to me now as it speaks much more to my current situation than it ever did at the time it was written. Here's the text:

I can't escape the feeling, there's something here that I am simply missing.
I've worked awhile to reconcile what I know is real and what I see around me.
The promise of peace and the presence of pain,
leading me to wonder just how I fit in again.

And who am I that I would even matter?
And who are You making of this human clay?
My mind is full of questions,
My favorite word is "Why?"
Knowing You won't show me everything.
Help me ask the questions just the same.

Though I say I want the answers, I wonder if what I really want is time.
Time to dodge the issues I'm sure that You are leading me to find.
In my comfort there's discomfort, in my peacefulness, no rest
My solitude is shattered as I wrestle with myself again.

And who am I that I would even matter?
And who are You making of this human clay?
The questions I have scare me, but the answers scare me more,
knowing they could cost me everything.
Help me ask the questions just the same.

For the sake of the Father, Who tells me He loves me,
For the sake of the Son, Who proved it with His very blood,
For the Spirit inside of me, Who sheds light on this mystery
of who I am, and who I am longing to become.

Uncertainty assails me as I seek a place in the world that is around me.
I'm fighting the tension between this life and truly living.

And who am I that I would even matter?
And who are You making of this human clay?
Who am I?

(text copyright 2003 Paco Daddy Music)

What the song means to me now:
"The promise of peace and the presence of pain" - when I look back on things at Hanfield, I probably tend to idealize things a bit. Yeah, we had our problems, but most often, it was a joy. When God called us to this new thing, I wasn't aware of what the struggle was going to be. I can still sense the certainty of the call, but I feel like we're investing in everything but the call right now, just so we can get started. I was so focused on the birth of this new ministry, that I didn't think of the pain of it or the gestation period that would precede it.

"Leading me to wonder just how I fit in again" - if you've read much of what I've written over the last few months, you know I'm dealing with the loss of identity. With that goes the uncertainty of what my role is, where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do.

"My mind is full of questions..." - I have lived this more this year than any other year in my life. My lament has been more pure, which is a good thing. I'm just wishing that I was as sure of things as I used to be. I am kind of living by the thought that a question unasked is a question unanswered. I haven't liked a lot of the answers that God has given lately, but I recognize that I have an incomplete understanding of what's going on. I also know that not asking the hard questions won't clear up the confusion any more than asking and receiving more questions in return.

"Though I say I want the answers..." - there was a point this summer where I really began to wonder if I was just stalling in getting to Sioux Falls. I think the argument could be made either way, but I do believe that God has often let me stumble into the situation that He wanted me in or has used my bad decisions to accomplish what He desired in the first place. I'm not sure where my current situation is going to lead me, but I believe that God is sovereign and will accomplish what He will through my circumstances.

"In my comfort there's discomfort..." - I have always been good at relaxing and finding time to recharge. I'm finding that those times of peace and solitude are less frequent and when I try to carve them out like I used to, I am consumed by the pressures of life in a way that will not allow me the rest I need.

"The questions I have scare me..." - probably the most prophetic part of the song for me. When I finally came to the end of it last Christmas and laid all my cards on the table, the answer that I got from God cost us tremendously. It cost us our jobs, our home, our friends and everything that we had built around ourselves to help us feel secure. We moved here with only a sense of calling and family nearby. We've also had the prayers of friends and a sendoff that still brings me to tears anytime I think about it. There is that part of my weak, human self that just wishes we had something more tangible than we have now.

"For the sake of the Father..." - the linchpin on which this whole thing hinges. Even in my current state, I find myself drawn to the call for the sake of the Father, the sacrifice of Jesus and the leading of the Holy Spirit, knowing that these are the things I have staked my life on. I can only hope that if I am a miserable failure by every other account, that I will have done something of merit in their eyes.

"Uncertainty assails me..." - that's fairly to the point, isn't it.

I feel like I'm growing into this song more by the day. I keep hoping that we've hit bottom, but I know there might be farther to go before God is finished bringing me to the point that He wants me at. I prayed this weekend that He'd just keep tearing things down brick by brick until all that is left is a foundation that He can build something on. I'm just hoping there's something left when He's done.