How do I find myself at this place again? After what had seemed a better season of ministry I find myself faced again with the realization that I may not be the best fit for Mercy in my current role. Things have been building slowly this time, but I feel like we're close to having to make a decision on whether to stay and try to allow God to grow me into this role or step away for the sake of the growth of the church.
I do not feel unloved. Far from. Shel and leadership have gone to great lengths to express their love for me on a personal level and have given me a lot of time to grow. Unfortunately, it seems more likely that the more charismatic worship theology that Mercy strives for simply isn't something that God is anointing in me right now, no matter how much I may want Him to. I've been challenged in ways I did not expect and may simply have to accept that this was for a season and try to grow through the experience. Shel hinted at the concept of "where God leads, He provides" in conversation this week. If so, did God lead us to this point or did we simply seize an opportunity without a call?
I am in no hurry to make a decision, but am praying for wisdom as we look at what's ahead.
In the meantime, we have decided (Shel and I) to have other leaders rotate in giving me an extra Sunday a month off. The hope is that this will expose the church (and myself) to different leadership styles while also giving me some opportunity to rest as well. Bi-vocational ministry is challenging enough and hasn't gotten any easier three years into it, so I am hoping to take advantage of my off weeks to devote more time to prayer, personal worship renewal and writing.
I was challenged by a friend today to not fake it in terms of charismatic worship expressions if I'm not really there and to allow God to take me there. That was a word I needed to hear and I continue to pray that God would take me there for the good of the Body.
