Approaches to starting groups

As January comes at us full speed at Embrace, I've been working on getting a few new groups up and running and giving more thought to the dynamics involved in starting new groups. When I came on staff in August, our fall kickoff prep was already well underway and I was left having to react more to the things already set in motion instead of being able to strategically plan for the start of a few new groups.

Because of that, we started three new groups with leaders that expressed an interest, but without giving much thought to how to promote these new groups other than just trying to match people up with a group that fit their time preferences and might have some other people that they might hit it off with. We tried to select materials that would be good "getting to know you" materials, but didn't really put the material center stage. One of the groups took off right away and the other two have taken a little time but seem to finally be gaining momentum.

This time around, the main group that we're launching is really very centered on the material. Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University is kicking off on January 12th and has demanded a very different approach to starting a group. Obviously, it's a topic that people are interested in, put together by an organization that is well known, so the material definitely drives this group. The way we promote the group winds up being significantly different as well with more of a buckshot advertising approach that we hope will attract the attention of folks interested in the study. My unstated goal with this group (until now) is to see a small group form after the study is over made up, primarily, of people from Financial Peace.

This has started me thinking about how different it is to start a group based on the materials than it is to start through the "matchmaking" process. The first may be more motivated by the desire to engage the topic where the latter may be more motivated by a desire to connect with other people on the journey. The first seems set up more for the short term while the second is designed more for the long haul.

I think there are elements to both approaches that have value and one of the things that I'm beginning to realize is that I have a lot to learn about the dynamics of small group ministry since it's still a fairly new area for me as a leader. I'm looking forward to seeing how FPU takes off and seeing how the promotion of a new study, even in an existing group, might generate more interest and get some folks involved that are not currently involved in a group.

The Man (no longer) in Charge

Tonight I finally made the transition from shop manager to part time service tech at the bike shop. After a couple of miss starts, I finally got to meet my replacement, Mark, tonight. Most of his night was taken up with orientation, but we got a little chance to talk. I'm definitely looking forward to just being one of the guys and hope that things work well with Mark and that I can be a help to him.

I will readily admit to a little bit of melancholy after my shift tonight. I've put in almost five years at the store and did my best to add value to whatever role I was asked to play. I think I did a decent job and left every area I worked better than when I started. My hope is that I'll be able to continue to add value to the shop in a part time capacity and can still be a valued part of the team.

Thankfully, now I am unencumbered to focus my energy more firmly on Embrace and the future of this church that God has called me to serve. I am really enjoying what I am doing and love the dynamic with the staff. I feel, again, that I have something to offer and hope that I bring something to the table that will help Embrace move closer to the vision that God has for her.

Intimacy

I returned yesterday from a retreat at Blue Cloud Abbey, a monastery in northeast South Dakota, with one of the guys from my small group and a group of men from Cornerstone UMC in Watertown. I really didn't know what to expect as I am not really a "men's retreat" kind of guy. I've always kind of shied away from the stereotypical male bonding, kill an elk, drum in a circle kind of activities that I might envision when I hear about such events. Thankfully, this was not one of those retreats.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a processor. It can take days or weeks for me to wrestle with the things I've been thinking before I have the ability to coherently state what it is that the Lord has impressed upon me. I'm still processing from this weekend, but feel that there is one area where processing out loud may actually help move the process forward.

One of the questions that we dealt with in groups on Friday night was along the lines of "Is there an area in your life where you need to come alive?" I was surprised at how quickly an answer came to mind. I really feel a sense that I am struggling in the area of intimacy with God. When God first called me into ministry it was a time of recommitment for me as well and, obviously, there was a great sense of the intimate presence of God. As is common, over time, God seemed to withdraw that closeness little by little so that I was no longer living out of the emotions I was feeling, but out of the faith that God was present and working, even when I didn't sense Him.

Fast forward several years and I almost feel like I need to relearn what intimacy with the Lord is like. I'm afraid that it's been so long since I've had a consistent intimacy with God that I almost don't expect Him to fill that need in my heart. I never thought that I was pulling away, but I believe I have done so over a period of time where God didn't seem to show up as I experienced disappointment, frustration and pain. The closeness we once had seemed so completely absent that I began to stop looking for it.

Durning my quiet time at the Abbey, I wrote the following:

Early on, fellowship was free between us. As time went on, You gave me more space and freedom, which I mistook for abandonment - loving abandonment with room for me to grow and learn to love and trust You without feeling the emotions of intimacy.

I have craved that intimacy again, but when I couldn't seem to find it with You, I began to seek it elsewhere, not even knowing I was doing so. I began to rely on that intimacy more and more when I wasn't finding it with You and, eventually, even the intimacy of wife, family and friends, being human and finite, failed to completely fill the hunger.

I began to seek intimacy through false substitutes; through finding a sense of worth in the eyes of others. I was looking for intimacy and validation anywhere I could find it, because I didn't seem to be finding it with You as in the beginning.

Lord, help me come to the root of it. Help me recognize what I'm searching for and to be patient enough and sensitive enough to find it in You. Reignite a vibrant, passionate relationship with You again. Help me be restored to healthy intimacy in all areas of my life and help me recognize when I begin to settle for false substitutes when all I really want is You.

Teach me to trust You again. Teach me that You are still intimately involved and close to me. When no one else seems to want to be close to me, teach me that You are. Take the fragments of my self destruction and make me whole again.

Come, Lord Jesus, come.

Heaven

Our small group started a new study last night about heaven. It's from the Convergence DVD series hosted by Donald Miller, featuring insights from Randy Alcorn. Very interesting stuff and it sparked some good conversation. We spent a decent amount of time discussing what we thought heaven will be like, especially in light of Alcorn's assertion of it being a physical place in the "new heaven and new earth" as laid out in Revelation 21 and 2 Peter 3. Some of the discussion was light hearted along the lines of "will there be dogs there" and "will there be golf there" and others delved into issues of identity with the physical resurrection and whether we would even recognize each other.

The thing that I've been thinking through since last night is how quickly our thoughts turn to our comfort and our benefits when we discuss heaven. "What will I do? Will I see my loved ones? Will I get to ride a bike?" (that last one's for me). Since the hope of heaven is one of the greatest things that God has given us, I think He actually enjoys it when we dream about those kind of things. I think it's somewhat like when my kids start talking about their expectations for their birthday or Christmas. It's fun to hear about what they hope to receive when the day arrives, knowing some of what is in store for them. Most of the questions issued in the study sort of directed us to these types of topics.

As I've reflected more, I find myself praying that as we continue to explore this topic, that our hearts will become consumed less with our benefit and more with His glory. The glory of God far surpasses anything that we could hope for in this life or the life to come. As much as I enjoy thinking about joyous reunions, long awaited conversations and finally having a body mass index that meets the expectations of my WiiFit program, I believe we will be so overwhelmed and captivated by the glory and love of God that these will seem like trivial desires. I think God will still allow us the enjoyment and benefit of those things, but that we won't want them nearly as much when we begin to drown in the sea of His glory.

I'm definitely looking forward to further conversation and seeing how my thinking is shaped over the course of this study.

Discipleship as a "ruined word"

I was reading a little this morning and came across a section in Exponential by Dave and Jon Ferguson where they explain why they choose to use the term "apprentice" rather than "disciple." It is their assessment that the word disciple is a "ruined word" that often doesn't mean what it meant to Jesus.

Their assertion is this: "Discipleship in the church today has more to do with consuming and absorbing cognitive content than it has anything to do with missional action. Being a disciple is more about an individual and his/her ability to get a passing grade on the subject matter, and less about being a follower of Jesus who lives in community with others for the sake of Christ's mission."

The more I think about discipleship resources that I've looked at and been through, the more I would have to say I agree with this, for the most part. I think most of the time discipleship is talked about in terms of Bible study and the cognitive formation that happens through interaction with the word of God. I do think some take it the next step and include an emphasis on prayer, fasting and other spiritual disciplines and this is typically where I would probably be guilty of leaving it as well.

Unfortunately, that would still fall short of the missional context of the word and the full meaning of what Jesus was trying to birth in his followers. Was he interested in them being disciplined in their pursuit of personal growth? Absolutely. But more so, he was interested in the fruit that would come out of the relationship developed with the Father. He was interested in how their growth would spill over into those they came in contact with as they walked in obedience in the Spirit.

This poses a few challenges for me personally:
1) What impact will this realization have on any kind of "discipleship" processes that I implement or oversee? It's easy to teach someone spiritual disciplines, it's more challenging (and time consuming) to help them recognize and engage in mission.
2) How will this be communicated in our leadership structure (I'm thinking primarily in small group structure right now) so that people that are engaged as apprentice leaders understand a larger missional focus that includes not only those that they are called to serve as small group leaders, but also those that come alongside them to learn as they are preparing to become leaders themselves?

These are really just initial thoughts and I'm sure more will follow.

Shift of Focus and What it Means to Belong

A return to vocational ministry has definitely opened a new chapter in the journey for me. Ever since I felt a calling to ministry, I'd been engaged primarily in worship leading while also being involved in the overall scope of the life of the church I was serving to one degree or another.

A shift of focus to that of small groups and community life has been a refreshing one. It's accomplishing a few things for me. First, it's giving me a fresh focus where most of what I'm doing is new again. Yes, I have some experiences to draw on, but it's all still new enough to me that it will be awhile before I develop the ruts that I will inevitably have to break out of.

The other major thing that it's doing for me is that it's slowly rebuilding my confidence in my calling to serve in the local body. I've stated before that my last position, as much as I loved the people and the task of worship leading, was probably not a good fit for either the church or me. My confidence was torn down brick by painful brick as I wrestled with self doubt and the lack of confidence that others had in me to carry out the ministry. While I was disappointed that things didn't work out, I do believe that God used that in preparing me for a change in focus. I probably needed to be shaken loose from my identity as a worship leader in order to be ready to embrace a new calling.

Another thing that I am finding is that I'm wanting to revisit certain resources knowing that my perspective when interacting with them will probably be a bit different given the implications for a new ministry area. One of the books that I am rereading is The Search to Belong by Joseph R. Meyers. I had picked the book up for the church I was serving in Indiana six years or so ago as a resource for our adult ministries person, but had to read it myself as well. I remember it being thought provoking and having really challenging things to say about the narrow approach to relational ministries that most churches employ.

I'm sure I'll be writing a lot about this as I wrestle through the ideas contained in the book, but a few initial questions have already started to mill about in my head. What does it mean to "belong" (in the sense of community)? Do we as a church communicate that there is a set criteria for what it means to belong ("If you do a, b & c, then you're really a part of the church")? How are we at facilitating multiple, meaningful levels of community for people to connect with?

Trying to ask faithful questions to help us be a richer community is one of the things that I enjoy most. It will be interesting to see where this process leads.

Community and Story

Getting into the groove with a new small group is always interesting. The group that my wife, Amy, is leading and we are hosting at our house has been pretty typical of the "getting to know you" dynamic of a new group. It's that place where we are willing to share on a very superficial level as we begin to assess how much we trust each other. We've been a part of a few new groups over the last 13 years and we know that each group is unique in how quickly that trust develops. Each group is also unique in how that trust develops. For some it's a slow burn with no defining moment, for others a moment of breakthrough happens and the dynamic of the group is changed forever. I think our group had one of those moments last night.

Before I go on, I will tell you by way of disclaimer that I believe strongly in the confidentiality of the group and will not be sharing anybody's story without first getting their permission to do so. That's a part of the trust that has to be established for a group to feel comfortable enough to share the hard stuff. Without it, we can never feel free to risk with each other in ways that allow us to be truly known by the people that God has placed us in community with.

Our group has been using a DVD resource about our stories and the discussion questions were very much built around giving us an opportunity to share our stories with one another. The questions haven't kept things at a surface level either as they've not only dealt with our backgrounds and faith journeys but have specifically asked us to share about our disappointments and struggles. We've been willing to share some of these things, but they have all been the things that we, personally, have already come to terms with. They are things that we still feel in control of and where resolution has already occurred in our minds.

So far, little risk.

Last night one of our group members took the plunge into the unknown and risked. A lot. They had not shared much over the first few weeks, but last night really opened up about their past, their hurt and the struggle of trusting in and walking with God in the midst of everything they had experienced. When they finished, there wasn't a dry eye and Amy, wisely, took some time to pray before moving on.

The beautiful thing was the response of the group wasn't one of pity, but one of genuine love and empathy. I didn't see in this person a weakness because of their brokenness, but a strength of spirit and a dogged determination to hold onto the hope of God no matter how hard it may be on any given day.

I believe that they opened a door for us last night and invited us to risk more and love deeper. My prayer is that we will be up to the challenge and will never be the same because we encountered something of the eternal in someone else's story.

Spiritual Map & My Friend David

I just started a course through Sioux Falls Seminary a few weeks ago that is designed as a discipleship course for church staff and lay leaders. It wound up being sort of a last minute thing for me, but I knew that if I didn't grab the opportunity that it would be another year before anything like it came my way and that there are no guarantees that I would have the availability at a later date to engage in the process.

One of the things we were encouraged to do in the first session was to begin to work through a spiritual map of our lives in order to recognize and remember what God has done and to see what insights might be gained by a deeper exploration of our journey. A discussion that was launched from that exercise involved identifying someone that was instrumental in our walk and the impact that they had.

After a few days of reflection, there are several people that I could easily point to as having an impact. I've been blessed with a great family and have worked long term and short term with people in ministry to whom I owe an incredible debt of gratitude. But, if I had to pinpoint one person that has probably had the biggest impact on me in shaping my theology and philosophy of ministry I would have to say it is David Mullens.

David was a key part of the worship team at Hanfield UMC when I first started in ministry in 1997. He was a pastor who was serving in a role in the UMC's North Indiana Conference Office at the time and has since gone back into service in a local church. Whether intentional or not, David wound up being a mentor for me as I was an incredibly immature Christian called to lead a congregation in worship.

David's thoughtful intelligence and gentle patience with me as a young leader made for easy conversation on topics both theological and musical that gave me a deeper hunger to study and give further thought to whatever it was we discussed. He was also uniquely gifted at offering a word of correction when I made bad decisions or said something out of line (which I did quite a bit when I started in ministry). Rarely did I ever feel anger from any of those interactions, even when it would have been justified. Instead, it was a gentle rebuke from a friend that always gave opportunity for repentance and reconciliation.

I found over time that David's thoughtful consideration of Scripture, theology and ministry was the bench mark that I used in my own study and practice. There were many conversations that we had where I would address a topic that I'd given thought to just to see if it struck a similar chord in my friend and mentor. Even after he went back to serving as a pastor and I no longer had regular contact with him, I was always encouraged to discover that we were wrestling with some of the same topics and coming to similar conclusions.

Even though our interactions are much fewer now due to distance and life changes, I can still definitely sense David's influence in how I process this journey with God and what it means to live a faithful witness

Refocusing

I've been giving some thought to the purpose of what I write here and realize that a purposeful refocusing of content is in order. This blog started as a means for me to sort through issues of theology, ministry and spiritual life. Since then it has gone through it's "newsletter" phase as we made a major move and this was a way for me to communicate with our friends and church family in Indiana and has barely survived many near deaths as time and responsibility made finding the time (let alone the purpose) to write nearly non-existent.

I am proposing to myself a return to the blog's roots. As I am engaging in a whole new realm of ministry (for me, anyway), I am finding a greater need to process through things I am experiencing and dreaming about doing in order to fulfill this new calling I have.

So, gone will be the days of the bike posts from this site (unless they have spiritual application). Fear not. They are not disappearing forever. They are simply moving here where they can take on a life of their own. My hope is that the less buckshot approach to writing in this space will help me to better focus my thoughts and bring greater continuity to the content that is found here.

My other hope is that I will find a little more freedom to write with a little more frequency. Time will tell...

Prayer and Burritos

I had an amazing time in prayer this morning, but this isn't about that. I also had a great time in prayer at the church tonight, but this isn't about that either. This is about what happened in between.

I found myself up early to pray for the church (the aforementioned "amazing time in prayer") and decided that I might fast today as we were praying as a church for this weekend's Kick-Off Event. I decided instead to meditate on God's provision by only eating food if it was offered to me throughout the day.

I headed to the shop (sans breakfast) and settled into work. About an hour later, Darwin showed up with a cappuccino and a Taco John's breakfast burrito for me. I thanked God through every fresh, Tex Mex bite. I didn't tell Darwin what I was doing, but several hours later, when he went to lunch, he came back with two cheese and bean burritos from Taco Bell for me. While Taco Bell is clearly the inferior Mexican fast food choice, I was thankful nonetheless as God had provided yet again.

I shared the story with Amy after praying at the church tonight (the aforementioned "great time in prayer") and she seemed a little less than impressed. She said, "It's not exactly manna from heaven. So, you just ate burritos today?" To which I replied, "Burritos from heaven."

Living by Faith

There are days when I wonder if I've lost my mind. Thankfully, those days are coming with increasing frequency.

This year I have been called to step out of a part time ministry position that I began to see as an ill fit for my personality, gifting and leadership style. I've also gone from a sales position that had greater income potential for a position in the bike shop that freed my schedule up quite a bit. In the process, I was beginning to get a little comfortable. Life was becoming a little more predictable and manageable.

Then God moved.

I wasn't really looking for it, but God was presenting an opportunity to risk again and I feel alive like I haven't in a long, long time.

I was hanging out at home one night and decided to kill some time by looking at online ministry job resources. After checking a few sites I found a listing for a position that really caught my attention. The listing was for a part-time Small Group and Teams Coordinator position at Embrace, a fairly recent church plant in Sioux Falls.

I have been a worship leader since the day I started in ministry. I may have had other responsibilities, but they always revolved around worship arts. As I read the job description though, I sensed an awakening in my spirit. The burden that I have felt for years to help people engage in close, deep relationship with one another quickly rose to the surface and I recognized in this position, an opportunity to invest in helping that happen. I reached a point where I couldn't see not pursuing it.

As we began the conversation, I was really thinking that I would stay full time in the bike shop and the ministry job would be part time. My desire for security and my conventional wisdom was really working overtime. I mean, who leaves a good, stable, full time job with benefits in a depressed economy to pursue a part time ministry position? I worked and worked and worked it through how I could make it all work. Then the dam burst.

I was really wrestling through the options one night when I talked to my parents. I love and value the input of my Mom and Dad tremendously. Both have wisdom cultivated through years of experience and both are very careful to dispense advice (also a sign of wisdom). As I told them about some of the options that I was considering, my Mom said, "Maybe God is just helping you realize what's really important." I think that was the first salvo in what would eventually break apart my idol of security and free me to pursue living by faith again. I continued the conversation with Amy later that night. She pointed out some of the things that I probably would have to give up in trying to keep it all and I finally succumbed to the reality that I could not do it all. I had to decide what was really important.

I went into my final discussion with Adam, resolved that if the position was offered to me, I would take it and would go part time at the store knowing we would be taking a big pay cut and would have no benefits. I felt such a peace about the idea that I was almost more relieved than excited when Adam asked me to come on board. It felt like the culmination of a season of searching for where I belong.

So, much like when we left Indiana with no jobs and no housing with just a belief that this was the road we were to travel, we find ourselves trusting that God is leading and knowing that we want to follow.

Trying to harness creativity

If I could have stayed home today I think I would have written several songs. Instead, I started writing one and worked a full day. Again I'm wishing that time and inspiration would stop their flirtatious relationship and get together so that I could actually get something written.

The little bit of time that I did have this morning forced me to focus on getting the framework for one idea in place while others fought for my attention. I feel like I'm definitely entering a season where I can throw a lot of ideas out there in the hope that some of them will develop into something worth crafting. The only issue then becomes finding an outlet to share what comes out.

The song that I'm working on now is thematically linked to yesterday's post which makes two songs in a row that are not specifically worship oriented, which means I can't just play them for Bobbi in the hopes that they might serve for our corporate worship at Mercy. I'm hoping to do some rough draft recording so that I can at least post something online for those that are interested, but that will again require time that is already a little scarce.

Until that happens, I'm hoping to harness some of this creativity and collect as many ideas as I can so that I'll have things to flesh out for some time to come.

Waiting in the in between

A good deal of the last few months have been spent by trying to come to terms with my decision to step out of leadership in ministry and finding myself feeling somewhat lost and directionless in the process. Ministry in the church has been my highest priority in where I expend my time and energy for the last 13 years as I've served in either full time or part time ministry.

Thankfully, I've had a job change at work to give me something else to concentrate on or the mini spiritual depression that I've been suffering could have turned into something quite a bit more destructive. I am still finding it hard to let go of feelings of rejection and abandonment (from both men and God), but I am slowly waking to the hope that God is preparing me for the next thing.

In my flesh I want this pruning and refining to progress quickly so that I can move onto better days, but I know that there is value in waiting in the in between. Waiting between what was and what is not yet is one of the hardest things for me to do. I find myself dwelling on past successes and past disappointments one moment and then future dreams the next. Both are valuable as the past helps me remember the lessons I've learned and how I've seen God move while the future gives me hope and vision for what's to come.

The danger for me has always been that I want to move from vision to reality immediately instead of taking the time to allow God to cultivate in me the conditions that will produce fruitful living in its due season. In moving too quickly we leave ourselves open to settle for "the good" instead of God's best plans for the future.

So, I find myself waiting again and praying for peace and patience while I wait to see what God has in store.

More changes

2010 will probably go down as "The Year of Transitions" at our house. Not only have Amy and I both stepped out of staff positions at Mercy (more to follow), but I'm now a month into my transition from sales (where I oversaw bikes and men's cold weather clothing) back to the bike shop where I am now managing. I always liked the shop when I was back there before, but the money was better in sales. Managing the shop sees only a slight drop off in income, but the hours are significantly better for us. It's primarily a Monday through Friday gig with a few Saturdays thrown in when necessary which beats the every other weekend routine that I've been following the last four years.

The shop definitely has its challenges and I am slowly remembering things that I haven't had a chance to put into practice for three years and acquiring new skills as I try to grow as a mechanic. It is strange being the shop manager and knowing that we have several guys that are better mechanics than me, but I'm hoping to close that gap quickly. Besides, as Bryan (my supervisor) has pointed out, I was not hired for the position because of my mechanical prowess.

So, not only am I building and fixing bikes again, but I've taken on several other responsibilities that I didn't have to think about last time I was in the shop such as ordering, scheduling and implementing procedures to help us be more efficient and professional. I also get to have the "fun" conversations with guys who either make mistakes or just need a kick in the butt to get going in the right direction. Ah, the joys of management.

On the church end of things, we are certainly feeling a bit untethered. We had several people ask us when we stepped down whether we would stay at Mercy. It would be easy to leave, but Mercy is still our church family. Sometimes family is hard and we have conflicts, but beneath those conflicts is a deeper love that binds us together and makes it worth working through. We love the people and believe in the vision of the church. Yes, we've had to struggle through some rough patches emotionally as we've wrestled with roles and relationships changing. There are days I'm very at ease being there and other days where I really have to work to hold it together because I'm still mourning.

Our friends have been very supportive and I have played bass a few times and Amy's been asked to sing some in June, so we're getting a few opportunities to experience life as volunteers again. I still love making music with these guys no matter what my role is and consider myself very blessed to get to serve alongside them in a different capacity. I think that's been somewhat of a life line for me the last month or so as I've been processing through things. I don't expect things to ever be the same, but I'm hoping to be reshaped in the process and come out the other side of all of this with a better understanding of God and a more loving, patient heart.

Yesterday's ride

Prep for the Gut Check can begin to take on new form now that we've had a taste of warmer weather. We'll still be yo-yoing a bit between spring and winter for a few weeks, but I've had two road rides now and I am pleased with where my condition is. I'm down about 13 pounds from where I started around Christmas (and from where I was most of last season) and have spent much more time on the trainer than I have in off-seasons past.

Yesterday's ride was one that I knew had the potential to be fairly long and might hurt a bit. I had blocked out three hours to ride with Bryan Brinkman and when I met up with him I discovered that Mike Dunlap would be going with us as well. That's when I knew that it was not going to be an easy, early season, rolling kind of ride. At least not for me.

Mike and Bryan both are very fit and Mike is in full preparations for this summers Race Across America (RAAM) which he qualified for last year. For those unfamiliar, RAAM is a full race across the country where riders all start at the same time and ride their own pace, on their own schedule until they reach the other coast. They often sleep in 3-4 hour blocks and some of the stories to come out of the race are absolutely epic. You can follow Mike on his blog and see what he's up to.

I didn't make any excuses and just sat third wheel the entire ride. Both guys are significantly stronger riders than I am, but if I want to become stronger, these are the kind of guys I need to be riding with. My only goal was to hang on and not get dropped. It was tough, but I hung in for 48 miles, only bobbing off the back for the last three, before they needed to turn west and I needed to turn east for home. Our average at that point was probably around 19 mph and Mike never looked the least bit uncomfortable while Bryan looked strong as well for an early season ride.

After I turned, I just concentrated on keeping moving. My legs screamed, my back and neck were a bit sore and I hurt so bad that it almost hurt to blink. I limped home muttering under my breath and then dragged my carcass into the house. All told, I had finished with 58 miles, averaging 17.8 mph (I'd obviously dropped off the pace after leaving Mike and Bryan), burning 3232 calories with an average heart rate of 162. I was pleased with all of this except the heart rate. I need to get some more base miles at a lower average heart rate to really prepare for a race like the Gut Check, but I will need rides like this to push me to improve my overall quality as a ride. And to teach me how to suffer.

Up and down day

I knew this morning would be hard since it was my first time at Mercy since stepping down as the worship leader. As with most hard changes, I'm in a period of mourning right now and felt like I was wearing my emotions on my sleeve as I walked in. Thankfully, the only people that were in the lobby at the time all know me pretty well and were very gracious to let me work through my emotions.

Thankfully, Ryan from work decided to check the church out this morning which meant that I almost immediately got to turn my focus from myself to making sure that he felt welcome. That was just what I needed. By the time the service started, I was dealing pretty well with things and was able to simply engage in worship. I have a feeling the next month or so may be a little awkward as I adjust to not being in leadership, but I love the people of Mercy and still believe strongly in the vision of the church. It's a place that I'm proud to invite friends like Ryan to visit believing that it's a place where people can find belonging regardless of background and regardless of where they are at on their spiritual journey.

After lunch I was able to get out for my first road ride of the season. Temps were in the mid 30's, but the forecast for sunny skies from a few days ago gave way to a cloudy forecast which eventually gave way to a light drizzle which I got to ride in for my last 15 miles or so. I had decided to head out southeast of town on some roads that I ride pretty regularly and gauge my long term route plans on how I was feeling.

Turns out, all of the off season snore fests on the trainer and snowy commutes have accomplished something. I felt pretty decent and decided to press on toward Larchwood and then south to West Lyon School before looping back. My first ride of the year is usually in that 20-25 mile range, but this one stretched to 47.75 miles over 2 hours and 48 minutes. I felt good for most of the ride and only felt the effort for a few miles coming back into town. By the time I dragged myself home, I had burned over 2700 calories and had only eaten one bag of Sport Beans (worth about 100 cal).

With the Gut Check a little over 5 months away, I am really pleased with where I am at with training right now. I'm starting this season carrying less weight than at any point last season and definitely have better form than at this point in any season I can remember. Not sure when the road rides will become a regular part of the week for me, but I'll take what I can get, when I can get it right now.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I probably need to check in more often, but I've been keeping things pretty close over the last month and change so as to allow for proper channels of communication to occur. Change has been in the air and it started with me stepping down as the worship leader for Mercy. It was a difficult decision to come to, but my hope is that by stepping out of the way, Mercy will have a better chance of growing into her vision for cautiously charismatic worship.

I really did think I could grow into the role and that only makes it more frustrating to give it up. But after three years of trying to grow into it and constantly hitting a wall it was time. My confidence as a leader continued to erode to the point where I was second guessing myself almost every Sunday and was leading with no authority. I'm chalking it up to not having the right gift mix for this particular ministry in this particular season. I believe I can still be an effective worship leader, but it may be awhile before I tread into those waters again.

In the meantime, I'm hoping to devote more time and energy to songwriting and may push farther into the realm of artist ministry. I started a songwriters' group last summer and am wondering if there might be opportunities to network in other artistic circles as well. More on that to come.

Change number two is that I will be changing roles at work next month. Lee, a good friend and my former shop manager, is stepping down as the manager of the bike shop. After a bit of thought and prayer, I made the decision to pursue the position and will be heading back to manage the bike shop after three years of managing bikes, a few cold weather clothing shops and making my living as a sales person.

The down side is that I no longer will qualify for sales trips (like the Jamaica trip we took last year and the Disney trip we took last month). The up side is that I will be setting the schedule for the shop and the expectation is that I will not be there much on the weekend and will only do one or two nights a week. This means a lot more time at home which we have all been craving. It also means that I should see more of our parents. It's been a bit frustrating to only live 70-80 miles away from all of them and only occasionally see them.

It also means a lot of new challenges as I try to get a handle on the parts of the job that I wasn't engaged in when I was in the shop previously and having to reacquire some skills that I haven't had to use in about three years. We've got a pretty good crew and there's not a lot of drama or difficult personalities to deal with, so I'm hoping for a smooth transition as I make the change April 1.

Snow riding

My only goal for this weekend was to spend two hours on the bike. I initially had intended to suffer through another long session in front of the TV as I burned calories but went absolutely nowhere, but when I woke up yesterday, the temps were around 30, snow was lightly falling and I decided it was a perfect day to get out the Rig and tool around the bike path for a roughly 21 mile snow excursion. My Gary Fisher Rig is a single speed mountain bike that I outfit with studded tires for winter riding (primarily commuting).

Almost immediately I realized it was going to take me the better part of two hours to do what I would normally do in just about half the time. The bike path in Sioux Falls had been plowed at one time in the last month, but several inches of snow were still on the path covering a lot of ice and even more footprints from runners that have been on the path over the last few weeks. It was slow going and it was quickly evident that legs and calories were going to burn as I diligently looked for the smartest path and exercised great patience at every corner for fear of having to pick myself up out of the snow.

It was very slow going with a lot of sections where I could barely muster eight miles per hour as I worked my way through the crusted footprints of other path users. There were a few sections where I could manage 13-14 mph over sections that had been wind blown, but they were very few. By the time I dragged myself home, I was absolutely exhausted, but knew that it was just the ride I needed.

I'm quickly approaching the six month to go point in my preparations for the Gutcheck 212 race this summer. I will suffer much more on that ride than I did yesterday, but it was a good ride for me to do at this point in the year. Road miles (of any sort) equal about twice the value of any trainer session or spin class (in my opinion) when it comes to practical application on the road. Not only that, but it's a heck of a lot more fun.

Discouraged but not hopeless

How do I find myself at this place again? After what had seemed a better season of ministry I find myself faced again with the realization that I may not be the best fit for Mercy in my current role. Things have been building slowly this time, but I feel like we're close to having to make a decision on whether to stay and try to allow God to grow me into this role or step away for the sake of the growth of the church.

I do not feel unloved. Far from. Shel and leadership have gone to great lengths to express their love for me on a personal level and have given me a lot of time to grow. Unfortunately, it seems more likely that the more charismatic worship theology that Mercy strives for simply isn't something that God is anointing in me right now, no matter how much I may want Him to. I've been challenged in ways I did not expect and may simply have to accept that this was for a season and try to grow through the experience. Shel hinted at the concept of "where God leads, He provides" in conversation this week. If so, did God lead us to this point or did we simply seize an opportunity without a call?

I am in no hurry to make a decision, but am praying for wisdom as we look at what's ahead.

In the meantime, we have decided (Shel and I) to have other leaders rotate in giving me an extra Sunday a month off. The hope is that this will expose the church (and myself) to different leadership styles while also giving me some opportunity to rest as well. Bi-vocational ministry is challenging enough and hasn't gotten any easier three years into it, so I am hoping to take advantage of my off weeks to devote more time to prayer, personal worship renewal and writing.

I was challenged by a friend today to not fake it in terms of charismatic worship expressions if I'm not really there and to allow God to take me there. That was a word I needed to hear and I continue to pray that God would take me there for the good of the Body.