Intimacy

I returned yesterday from a retreat at Blue Cloud Abbey, a monastery in northeast South Dakota, with one of the guys from my small group and a group of men from Cornerstone UMC in Watertown. I really didn't know what to expect as I am not really a "men's retreat" kind of guy. I've always kind of shied away from the stereotypical male bonding, kill an elk, drum in a circle kind of activities that I might envision when I hear about such events. Thankfully, this was not one of those retreats.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a processor. It can take days or weeks for me to wrestle with the things I've been thinking before I have the ability to coherently state what it is that the Lord has impressed upon me. I'm still processing from this weekend, but feel that there is one area where processing out loud may actually help move the process forward.

One of the questions that we dealt with in groups on Friday night was along the lines of "Is there an area in your life where you need to come alive?" I was surprised at how quickly an answer came to mind. I really feel a sense that I am struggling in the area of intimacy with God. When God first called me into ministry it was a time of recommitment for me as well and, obviously, there was a great sense of the intimate presence of God. As is common, over time, God seemed to withdraw that closeness little by little so that I was no longer living out of the emotions I was feeling, but out of the faith that God was present and working, even when I didn't sense Him.

Fast forward several years and I almost feel like I need to relearn what intimacy with the Lord is like. I'm afraid that it's been so long since I've had a consistent intimacy with God that I almost don't expect Him to fill that need in my heart. I never thought that I was pulling away, but I believe I have done so over a period of time where God didn't seem to show up as I experienced disappointment, frustration and pain. The closeness we once had seemed so completely absent that I began to stop looking for it.

Durning my quiet time at the Abbey, I wrote the following:

Early on, fellowship was free between us. As time went on, You gave me more space and freedom, which I mistook for abandonment - loving abandonment with room for me to grow and learn to love and trust You without feeling the emotions of intimacy.

I have craved that intimacy again, but when I couldn't seem to find it with You, I began to seek it elsewhere, not even knowing I was doing so. I began to rely on that intimacy more and more when I wasn't finding it with You and, eventually, even the intimacy of wife, family and friends, being human and finite, failed to completely fill the hunger.

I began to seek intimacy through false substitutes; through finding a sense of worth in the eyes of others. I was looking for intimacy and validation anywhere I could find it, because I didn't seem to be finding it with You as in the beginning.

Lord, help me come to the root of it. Help me recognize what I'm searching for and to be patient enough and sensitive enough to find it in You. Reignite a vibrant, passionate relationship with You again. Help me be restored to healthy intimacy in all areas of my life and help me recognize when I begin to settle for false substitutes when all I really want is You.

Teach me to trust You again. Teach me that You are still intimately involved and close to me. When no one else seems to want to be close to me, teach me that You are. Take the fragments of my self destruction and make me whole again.

Come, Lord Jesus, come.