A good deal of the last few months have been spent by trying to come to terms with my decision to step out of leadership in ministry and finding myself feeling somewhat lost and directionless in the process. Ministry in the church has been my highest priority in where I expend my time and energy for the last 13 years as I've served in either full time or part time ministry.
Thankfully, I've had a job change at work to give me something else to concentrate on or the mini spiritual depression that I've been suffering could have turned into something quite a bit more destructive. I am still finding it hard to let go of feelings of rejection and abandonment (from both men and God), but I am slowly waking to the hope that God is preparing me for the next thing.
In my flesh I want this pruning and refining to progress quickly so that I can move onto better days, but I know that there is value in waiting in the in between. Waiting between what was and what is not yet is one of the hardest things for me to do. I find myself dwelling on past successes and past disappointments one moment and then future dreams the next. Both are valuable as the past helps me remember the lessons I've learned and how I've seen God move while the future gives me hope and vision for what's to come.
The danger for me has always been that I want to move from vision to reality immediately instead of taking the time to allow God to cultivate in me the conditions that will produce fruitful living in its due season. In moving too quickly we leave ourselves open to settle for "the good" instead of God's best plans for the future.
So, I find myself waiting again and praying for peace and patience while I wait to see what God has in store.
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