There are some posts that I just don't know how to begin. Amy and I had a particularly hard meeting with Shel this morning at church. As hard for him as for us, I'm sure, especially since he's beginning a six week renewal sabbatical this week. I'm sure he'll probably wrestle with what we talked about almost as much as we will. He has been our biggest critic and greatest support over the last two years and I love him for both.
Some of what was addressed today was how I have not been quick to grow into the charismatic style of worship leading that Mercy needs in order to be true to the identity that Mercy had as a church plant. There are times where we see glimpses, but the consistency isn't there yet and I wonder if I'm able to grow into it or not.
Issues of calling and anointing come into play. I've wrestled with my understanding of calling for the last four years and this just continues to prove that I don't have it figured out yet. How much of what is going on is due to my lack of ability and understanding of charismatic expressions of worship and how much is a simple lack of anointing from God for the task? How is it that we've experienced success in the past, but seem to struggle so much now? The last time I felt like a truly anointed leader for an entire Sunday service was possibly the Sunday that we interviewed with Mercy. There have been some good mornings since then, but that one stands out as a full on, completely abandoned act of worship that I don't think we've experienced to that level since.
One of the prescribed courses of action for the season ahead is to have Amy lead from the congregation in the 2nd service instead of from the front. That's a particularly hard thing for us to do for any number of reasons, but something that we will do in the hope that God will teach us through it. One reason that it's hard is that we've always done this together. Amy is not only the love of my life, but a musician that I trust to provide a framework for transitions and color for the sound of the band. Not having that will be a challenge and I can only begin to grasp how the change in roles makes her feel. I know she feels rejected. It's hard to have music be such a large part of your identity and have it taken from you and have it not be personal. At the same time, the first service, which she leads in a traditional style, is growing and she gets a lot of positive feedback about the job she's doing there, but it doesn't make things any easier for her.
While I have experienced a lot of "applied growth" in areas of evangelism that I never had in full time ministry, I am struggling to grow in areas of worship and general theological understanding when I don't have ministry as a full time vocation. I would say that this lack of development is a large contributor to the current situation and I'm at a bit of a loss as to where to begin to address the issue. Conferences, continuing ed, reading, praying...?
Ultimately, we'll seek to continue to be faithful in the roles we are called to at this time and diligently seek after the heart of God to see if I can finally grow into the kind of leader that Mercy needs or if I need to love the church enough to step aside and allow God to work through someone else. We will definitely not make any hasty decisions, but something's gotta give.
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