A long time coming

So... It's been over two months since I last wrote and I just reread my last post. I'd like to say that I'm less stressed than I was then and that my outlook has changed, but I find myself less stressed than I was then with an outlook very similar to what I had before.

A lot has happened in the last few months that has simply reinforced a lot of what I've been feeling of late and confirmed that it may be time to move on if I want to be involved in ministry that I can feel passionate about again. I still love my church. Still love the people I work with (staff and volunteer). Love the friends I have here more than I ever have... Hate the fact that I just don't like what I'm doing or what my future role in ministry would be.

I've been watching my role change into more of an administrative one over the last six months complete with the trappings of extra meetings, more responsibility for the performance of others and an increased sense that I'm to give myself for the sake of the institution (not an entirely accurate way to put it, but other terms for it escape me). I am finding less flexibility and more pressure while having to do things and be a part of decisions I don't want to be a part of.

In talking with Keith Conner last week he said, "We do all of this teaching about people doing what they're passionate about and using their spiritual gifts in ministry, but when it comes to our staff it doesn't seem to apply." I'd have to agree that I'm being asked to operate in areas that I am not gifted in and certainly in areas I'm not passionate about.

Add to that the fact that the satellite campus idea seems to continue to drift further and further from where my heart is. That's not to say that the idea of a video venue campus for Hanfield is the wrong way to go, I just don't see it as having any meaningful ministry to unchurched people in our community. I think it would become just one more option on the menu of the church community for people that are seeking to feed their selfish appetites for the church of the moment untill they get sick of eating there and decide they'd rather taste what the Wesleyans/Baptists/other Methodists... are serving. A bit condemning? Yes. The point of hyperbole is to state the exaggerated case in order to make a point.

So, where does that leave me? Let's rehash the vacation I got back from a few weeks ago:

After pouring ourselves into "A Christmas Tale" at the Hostess House and all of the other activities surrounding Advent at Hanfield, we packed up the kids and drove the 12.5 hours home to visit family on Dec. 19th (I didn't even need to consult the calendar that's how much I was looking forward to this vacation). We spent a few days with my folks in northwest Iowa watching birds, opening presents, visiting with grandparents (who I wound up seeing for about 4 hours total in 2004) and just enjoying a few days of recharging before what we anticipated would be the most stressfull part of the trip.

Dec. 23rd we left for Mitchell, SD for a family portrait with Amy's Dad's family, complete with step-brother Brian, step-sister Brenda and Brenda's boyfriend of ten years, Brad. We hadn't seen the 3 B's in about five years and on that particular occasion, we pretty much kept to ourselves and they pretty much kept to themselves. I looked with tremendous condescension on their smoking, drinking and general behavior and they probably (rightly) judged me to be a pretentious, religious snob.

Well, things were going to be different this time. All three are post Christian, white collar professionals in Arizona and California and really represent the kind of people that God has been giving me a heart for. I was determined to treat them with genuine respect and love and just let things fall where they may.

First thing we had to do was the picture which was a little awkward after not even seeing each other for several years. We all made the best of it and of the family reunion that we had that night with a lot of everybody's family that we had never met.

After the reunion, we went back and put the kids to bed and then took the 3 B's to the bar. We had worked it out with Amy's dad to go out that night to see our roommate from college, Lloyd, and his band playing at a bar in town and promoted it as a "bonding time" for us with the 3 B's. They were rather impressed that we had a sanctioned trip to the bar as a part of our holiday itinerary and decided I was probably alright. We had a great time and I think we were really at ease with each other from that point on.

Next day, we did the present thing, Christmas Eve service (without the 3 B's) and just kind of hung out. Christmas Day we stayed for dinner and then drove to Amy's mom's (more on that later). As we drove out of Mitchell, Amy talked about her impressions of how things went over what could have been a highly stressful, confrontational visit. I shared with her that I was ecstatic with how things went. I felt like we showed Brian, Brenda and Brad that we were happy to be able to be with them for a couple of days, that we are genuinely interested in what is going on in their lives and that we love them as they are. I think we were able to build new relationships with them that will hopefully help us stay closer to them (even though we're half a country away) and might even allow us the opportunity to continue in conversation with them about the reality of God. We had none of those conversations during our three days together, but we couldn't without relationship without becoming the pretentious, judgmental people we had been when we saw them last.

The road from Mitchell led us to Yankton, SD and Amy's mom and step-dad Jim. I always look forward to this part of the trip because I love Jim and Marilyn immensely, the view of the Missouri River above the dam is beautiful (even if you are stuck looking at Nebraska) and there is always good beer. Jim always takes care of me. We had a case of Fat Tire to work on as well as a stout and a brown from a Kansas City micro-brewer to work on over the course of five days.

Unfortunately, I got sick the first night. I felt a headache coming on shortly after we arrived and tried to get rid of it with some Excedrin at supper (killer white chili that Jim made and, of course, beer). As the night wore on I felt worse and worse. The headache got more intense and didn't seem to be slowing down. Finally, as I was watching the Broncos beat up on the Titans, I had the realization that it wasn't going anywhere until I threw up. I waited until the Broncos scored in the second quarter and decided that was as good a time as any to revisit the white chili and beer in the bathroom. Jim's response was, "Hey, that was good chili!" I wound up spending the night on the leather love seat on the first floor for the night where I was able to welcome Casey (Amy's brother) and his family when they got there about 11:30 that night.

I woke the next morning feeling significantly better, but very weak from extended purging of my system the previous night and decided that everybody should go to church without me. Once they left I got out Casey's guitar and had my life changed.

My weakened voice called out in desperate worship of God, cracking and breaking like I had been over the last few months. I pushed through and broke into spontaneous prayer song as I told God what little I knew of Him and how much I needed more of Him. I poured frustration at the foot of the cross, and lay facedown in my unworthiness before the One that perfects the word "worthy." In the midst of this moment I told God again how I wished he would just release me from ministry at Hanfield and had been saying, "Here am I, send me." for months. Finally, I sensed Him say "Go." I was a bit surprised and also a bit concerned that it was my voice and not His. I asked God to drown out any voice but His own and heard again, "Go."

After more prayer, I opened the Bible to the Psalms. I read Psalm 98. "Sing to the Lord a new song..." It seemed appropriate. I read Psalm 99. In verses six and seven it says that Moses, Aaron and Samuel called on his name and he answered them! I prayed, "Lord, I know that I am not in the same league as Moses, Aaron and Samuel, but I'm praying for You to answer me like You did them. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff and I don't know what to do." I heard Him say, "Jump." Again, I prayed for all other voices to be silenced and asked what I should do. Again, He said, "Jump."

Over the course of the vacation I had found myself thinking a lot about Sioux Falls, SD. It's a small city of about 160-170 thousand people, a lot of growth with 20 somethings and a decent arts community. It is one of the few places in the area that the kind of ministry that I'd been dreaming of might actually have a good chance of succeeding. I asked where this jump might take us and Sioux Falls again was fixed firmly in my mind.

I decided to wait before talking to anyone about what was going on and we had a great time with family that day after church. My appetite returned and I was glad to tackle the steak and ale that was placed before me that night.

3:30 am. I woke from a dream, grabbed my pencil and journal and headed to the bathroom (the only place where I could turn on a light so I could see what I was doing without running the risk of waking somebody up. I did my best to put the dream on paper so that I could remember it. I don't know if it was God speaking to me again or not, but I wanted to remember as much as I could so I could wrestle with it in the morning. I don't have my journal here, but the gist of it was that we were at Hanfield and someone from the church came up to me and said, "I have been really blessed by your ministry here, but sometimes to take the easy road is to forsake Christ." That is when I woke up. Once I had it on paper, I went back to bed and tried to get some more rest.

As I spent time with God that morning, I really questioned whether the "easy road" was to stay or to leave. I really got the sense that the "easy road" was to stay at Hanfield.

I finally began the conversation with Amy that day. Now, we had had conversations over the last few years where I expressed a restlessness and wondered if it was time to move on. She had never been very receptive. When we were called into ministry, God called both of us, so I knew that as long as she didn't feel ready to leave that we were not released to go. She was, in a sense, the first litmus test for me as to whether we were truly being called away or not. I expected her to be hesitant, to pray about it over time and eventually to either confirm or deny that release. To my surprise, she immediately said, "I could move closer to home."

The rest of the vacation was filled with dreaming, planning, confessing that we were afraid, but with a resolve that we were going to go to Sioux Falls.

We went back to my mom and dad's for a few days where we were able to see my sister and her girls before we drove back on New Year's Day.

It occurs to me that I've been writing for an hour and a half, so I think I'll save the rest for another sitting. There's a lot that has happened since the first of the year in terms of vision, work and life in general and I want to be sure to get it all down, just not now.