If I could have stayed home today I think I would have written several songs. Instead, I started writing one and worked a full day. Again I'm wishing that time and inspiration would stop their flirtatious relationship and get together so that I could actually get something written.
The little bit of time that I did have this morning forced me to focus on getting the framework for one idea in place while others fought for my attention. I feel like I'm definitely entering a season where I can throw a lot of ideas out there in the hope that some of them will develop into something worth crafting. The only issue then becomes finding an outlet to share what comes out.
The song that I'm working on now is thematically linked to yesterday's post which makes two songs in a row that are not specifically worship oriented, which means I can't just play them for Bobbi in the hopes that they might serve for our corporate worship at Mercy. I'm hoping to do some rough draft recording so that I can at least post something online for those that are interested, but that will again require time that is already a little scarce.
Until that happens, I'm hoping to harness some of this creativity and collect as many ideas as I can so that I'll have things to flesh out for some time to come.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Waiting in the in between
A good deal of the last few months have been spent by trying to come to terms with my decision to step out of leadership in ministry and finding myself feeling somewhat lost and directionless in the process. Ministry in the church has been my highest priority in where I expend my time and energy for the last 13 years as I've served in either full time or part time ministry.
Thankfully, I've had a job change at work to give me something else to concentrate on or the mini spiritual depression that I've been suffering could have turned into something quite a bit more destructive. I am still finding it hard to let go of feelings of rejection and abandonment (from both men and God), but I am slowly waking to the hope that God is preparing me for the next thing.
In my flesh I want this pruning and refining to progress quickly so that I can move onto better days, but I know that there is value in waiting in the in between. Waiting between what was and what is not yet is one of the hardest things for me to do. I find myself dwelling on past successes and past disappointments one moment and then future dreams the next. Both are valuable as the past helps me remember the lessons I've learned and how I've seen God move while the future gives me hope and vision for what's to come.
The danger for me has always been that I want to move from vision to reality immediately instead of taking the time to allow God to cultivate in me the conditions that will produce fruitful living in its due season. In moving too quickly we leave ourselves open to settle for "the good" instead of God's best plans for the future.
So, I find myself waiting again and praying for peace and patience while I wait to see what God has in store.
Thankfully, I've had a job change at work to give me something else to concentrate on or the mini spiritual depression that I've been suffering could have turned into something quite a bit more destructive. I am still finding it hard to let go of feelings of rejection and abandonment (from both men and God), but I am slowly waking to the hope that God is preparing me for the next thing.
In my flesh I want this pruning and refining to progress quickly so that I can move onto better days, but I know that there is value in waiting in the in between. Waiting between what was and what is not yet is one of the hardest things for me to do. I find myself dwelling on past successes and past disappointments one moment and then future dreams the next. Both are valuable as the past helps me remember the lessons I've learned and how I've seen God move while the future gives me hope and vision for what's to come.
The danger for me has always been that I want to move from vision to reality immediately instead of taking the time to allow God to cultivate in me the conditions that will produce fruitful living in its due season. In moving too quickly we leave ourselves open to settle for "the good" instead of God's best plans for the future.
So, I find myself waiting again and praying for peace and patience while I wait to see what God has in store.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
More changes
2010 will probably go down as "The Year of Transitions" at our house. Not only have Amy and I both stepped out of staff positions at Mercy (more to follow), but I'm now a month into my transition from sales (where I oversaw bikes and men's cold weather clothing) back to the bike shop where I am now managing. I always liked the shop when I was back there before, but the money was better in sales. Managing the shop sees only a slight drop off in income, but the hours are significantly better for us. It's primarily a Monday through Friday gig with a few Saturdays thrown in when necessary which beats the every other weekend routine that I've been following the last four years.
The shop definitely has its challenges and I am slowly remembering things that I haven't had a chance to put into practice for three years and acquiring new skills as I try to grow as a mechanic. It is strange being the shop manager and knowing that we have several guys that are better mechanics than me, but I'm hoping to close that gap quickly. Besides, as Bryan (my supervisor) has pointed out, I was not hired for the position because of my mechanical prowess.
So, not only am I building and fixing bikes again, but I've taken on several other responsibilities that I didn't have to think about last time I was in the shop such as ordering, scheduling and implementing procedures to help us be more efficient and professional. I also get to have the "fun" conversations with guys who either make mistakes or just need a kick in the butt to get going in the right direction. Ah, the joys of management.
On the church end of things, we are certainly feeling a bit untethered. We had several people ask us when we stepped down whether we would stay at Mercy. It would be easy to leave, but Mercy is still our church family. Sometimes family is hard and we have conflicts, but beneath those conflicts is a deeper love that binds us together and makes it worth working through. We love the people and believe in the vision of the church. Yes, we've had to struggle through some rough patches emotionally as we've wrestled with roles and relationships changing. There are days I'm very at ease being there and other days where I really have to work to hold it together because I'm still mourning.
Our friends have been very supportive and I have played bass a few times and Amy's been asked to sing some in June, so we're getting a few opportunities to experience life as volunteers again. I still love making music with these guys no matter what my role is and consider myself very blessed to get to serve alongside them in a different capacity. I think that's been somewhat of a life line for me the last month or so as I've been processing through things. I don't expect things to ever be the same, but I'm hoping to be reshaped in the process and come out the other side of all of this with a better understanding of God and a more loving, patient heart.
The shop definitely has its challenges and I am slowly remembering things that I haven't had a chance to put into practice for three years and acquiring new skills as I try to grow as a mechanic. It is strange being the shop manager and knowing that we have several guys that are better mechanics than me, but I'm hoping to close that gap quickly. Besides, as Bryan (my supervisor) has pointed out, I was not hired for the position because of my mechanical prowess.
So, not only am I building and fixing bikes again, but I've taken on several other responsibilities that I didn't have to think about last time I was in the shop such as ordering, scheduling and implementing procedures to help us be more efficient and professional. I also get to have the "fun" conversations with guys who either make mistakes or just need a kick in the butt to get going in the right direction. Ah, the joys of management.
On the church end of things, we are certainly feeling a bit untethered. We had several people ask us when we stepped down whether we would stay at Mercy. It would be easy to leave, but Mercy is still our church family. Sometimes family is hard and we have conflicts, but beneath those conflicts is a deeper love that binds us together and makes it worth working through. We love the people and believe in the vision of the church. Yes, we've had to struggle through some rough patches emotionally as we've wrestled with roles and relationships changing. There are days I'm very at ease being there and other days where I really have to work to hold it together because I'm still mourning.
Our friends have been very supportive and I have played bass a few times and Amy's been asked to sing some in June, so we're getting a few opportunities to experience life as volunteers again. I still love making music with these guys no matter what my role is and consider myself very blessed to get to serve alongside them in a different capacity. I think that's been somewhat of a life line for me the last month or so as I've been processing through things. I don't expect things to ever be the same, but I'm hoping to be reshaped in the process and come out the other side of all of this with a better understanding of God and a more loving, patient heart.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Yesterday's ride
Prep for the Gut Check can begin to take on new form now that we've had a taste of warmer weather. We'll still be yo-yoing a bit between spring and winter for a few weeks, but I've had two road rides now and I am pleased with where my condition is. I'm down about 13 pounds from where I started around Christmas (and from where I was most of last season) and have spent much more time on the trainer than I have in off-seasons past.
Yesterday's ride was one that I knew had the potential to be fairly long and might hurt a bit. I had blocked out three hours to ride with Bryan Brinkman and when I met up with him I discovered that Mike Dunlap would be going with us as well. That's when I knew that it was not going to be an easy, early season, rolling kind of ride. At least not for me.
Mike and Bryan both are very fit and Mike is in full preparations for this summers Race Across America (RAAM) which he qualified for last year. For those unfamiliar, RAAM is a full race across the country where riders all start at the same time and ride their own pace, on their own schedule until they reach the other coast. They often sleep in 3-4 hour blocks and some of the stories to come out of the race are absolutely epic. You can follow Mike on his blog and see what he's up to.
I didn't make any excuses and just sat third wheel the entire ride. Both guys are significantly stronger riders than I am, but if I want to become stronger, these are the kind of guys I need to be riding with. My only goal was to hang on and not get dropped. It was tough, but I hung in for 48 miles, only bobbing off the back for the last three, before they needed to turn west and I needed to turn east for home. Our average at that point was probably around 19 mph and Mike never looked the least bit uncomfortable while Bryan looked strong as well for an early season ride.
After I turned, I just concentrated on keeping moving. My legs screamed, my back and neck were a bit sore and I hurt so bad that it almost hurt to blink. I limped home muttering under my breath and then dragged my carcass into the house. All told, I had finished with 58 miles, averaging 17.8 mph (I'd obviously dropped off the pace after leaving Mike and Bryan), burning 3232 calories with an average heart rate of 162. I was pleased with all of this except the heart rate. I need to get some more base miles at a lower average heart rate to really prepare for a race like the Gut Check, but I will need rides like this to push me to improve my overall quality as a ride. And to teach me how to suffer.
Yesterday's ride was one that I knew had the potential to be fairly long and might hurt a bit. I had blocked out three hours to ride with Bryan Brinkman and when I met up with him I discovered that Mike Dunlap would be going with us as well. That's when I knew that it was not going to be an easy, early season, rolling kind of ride. At least not for me.
Mike and Bryan both are very fit and Mike is in full preparations for this summers Race Across America (RAAM) which he qualified for last year. For those unfamiliar, RAAM is a full race across the country where riders all start at the same time and ride their own pace, on their own schedule until they reach the other coast. They often sleep in 3-4 hour blocks and some of the stories to come out of the race are absolutely epic. You can follow Mike on his blog and see what he's up to.
I didn't make any excuses and just sat third wheel the entire ride. Both guys are significantly stronger riders than I am, but if I want to become stronger, these are the kind of guys I need to be riding with. My only goal was to hang on and not get dropped. It was tough, but I hung in for 48 miles, only bobbing off the back for the last three, before they needed to turn west and I needed to turn east for home. Our average at that point was probably around 19 mph and Mike never looked the least bit uncomfortable while Bryan looked strong as well for an early season ride.
After I turned, I just concentrated on keeping moving. My legs screamed, my back and neck were a bit sore and I hurt so bad that it almost hurt to blink. I limped home muttering under my breath and then dragged my carcass into the house. All told, I had finished with 58 miles, averaging 17.8 mph (I'd obviously dropped off the pace after leaving Mike and Bryan), burning 3232 calories with an average heart rate of 162. I was pleased with all of this except the heart rate. I need to get some more base miles at a lower average heart rate to really prepare for a race like the Gut Check, but I will need rides like this to push me to improve my overall quality as a ride. And to teach me how to suffer.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Up and down day
I knew this morning would be hard since it was my first time at Mercy since stepping down as the worship leader. As with most hard changes, I'm in a period of mourning right now and felt like I was wearing my emotions on my sleeve as I walked in. Thankfully, the only people that were in the lobby at the time all know me pretty well and were very gracious to let me work through my emotions.
Thankfully, Ryan from work decided to check the church out this morning which meant that I almost immediately got to turn my focus from myself to making sure that he felt welcome. That was just what I needed. By the time the service started, I was dealing pretty well with things and was able to simply engage in worship. I have a feeling the next month or so may be a little awkward as I adjust to not being in leadership, but I love the people of Mercy and still believe strongly in the vision of the church. It's a place that I'm proud to invite friends like Ryan to visit believing that it's a place where people can find belonging regardless of background and regardless of where they are at on their spiritual journey.
After lunch I was able to get out for my first road ride of the season. Temps were in the mid 30's, but the forecast for sunny skies from a few days ago gave way to a cloudy forecast which eventually gave way to a light drizzle which I got to ride in for my last 15 miles or so. I had decided to head out southeast of town on some roads that I ride pretty regularly and gauge my long term route plans on how I was feeling.
Turns out, all of the off season snore fests on the trainer and snowy commutes have accomplished something. I felt pretty decent and decided to press on toward Larchwood and then south to West Lyon School before looping back. My first ride of the year is usually in that 20-25 mile range, but this one stretched to 47.75 miles over 2 hours and 48 minutes. I felt good for most of the ride and only felt the effort for a few miles coming back into town. By the time I dragged myself home, I had burned over 2700 calories and had only eaten one bag of Sport Beans (worth about 100 cal).
With the Gut Check a little over 5 months away, I am really pleased with where I am at with training right now. I'm starting this season carrying less weight than at any point last season and definitely have better form than at this point in any season I can remember. Not sure when the road rides will become a regular part of the week for me, but I'll take what I can get, when I can get it right now.
Thankfully, Ryan from work decided to check the church out this morning which meant that I almost immediately got to turn my focus from myself to making sure that he felt welcome. That was just what I needed. By the time the service started, I was dealing pretty well with things and was able to simply engage in worship. I have a feeling the next month or so may be a little awkward as I adjust to not being in leadership, but I love the people of Mercy and still believe strongly in the vision of the church. It's a place that I'm proud to invite friends like Ryan to visit believing that it's a place where people can find belonging regardless of background and regardless of where they are at on their spiritual journey.
After lunch I was able to get out for my first road ride of the season. Temps were in the mid 30's, but the forecast for sunny skies from a few days ago gave way to a cloudy forecast which eventually gave way to a light drizzle which I got to ride in for my last 15 miles or so. I had decided to head out southeast of town on some roads that I ride pretty regularly and gauge my long term route plans on how I was feeling.
Turns out, all of the off season snore fests on the trainer and snowy commutes have accomplished something. I felt pretty decent and decided to press on toward Larchwood and then south to West Lyon School before looping back. My first ride of the year is usually in that 20-25 mile range, but this one stretched to 47.75 miles over 2 hours and 48 minutes. I felt good for most of the ride and only felt the effort for a few miles coming back into town. By the time I dragged myself home, I had burned over 2700 calories and had only eaten one bag of Sport Beans (worth about 100 cal).
With the Gut Check a little over 5 months away, I am really pleased with where I am at with training right now. I'm starting this season carrying less weight than at any point last season and definitely have better form than at this point in any season I can remember. Not sure when the road rides will become a regular part of the week for me, but I'll take what I can get, when I can get it right now.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
I probably need to check in more often, but I've been keeping things pretty close over the last month and change so as to allow for proper channels of communication to occur. Change has been in the air and it started with me stepping down as the worship leader for Mercy. It was a difficult decision to come to, but my hope is that by stepping out of the way, Mercy will have a better chance of growing into her vision for cautiously charismatic worship.
I really did think I could grow into the role and that only makes it more frustrating to give it up. But after three years of trying to grow into it and constantly hitting a wall it was time. My confidence as a leader continued to erode to the point where I was second guessing myself almost every Sunday and was leading with no authority. I'm chalking it up to not having the right gift mix for this particular ministry in this particular season. I believe I can still be an effective worship leader, but it may be awhile before I tread into those waters again.
In the meantime, I'm hoping to devote more time and energy to songwriting and may push farther into the realm of artist ministry. I started a songwriters' group last summer and am wondering if there might be opportunities to network in other artistic circles as well. More on that to come.
Change number two is that I will be changing roles at work next month. Lee, a good friend and my former shop manager, is stepping down as the manager of the bike shop. After a bit of thought and prayer, I made the decision to pursue the position and will be heading back to manage the bike shop after three years of managing bikes, a few cold weather clothing shops and making my living as a sales person.
The down side is that I no longer will qualify for sales trips (like the Jamaica trip we took last year and the Disney trip we took last month). The up side is that I will be setting the schedule for the shop and the expectation is that I will not be there much on the weekend and will only do one or two nights a week. This means a lot more time at home which we have all been craving. It also means that I should see more of our parents. It's been a bit frustrating to only live 70-80 miles away from all of them and only occasionally see them.
It also means a lot of new challenges as I try to get a handle on the parts of the job that I wasn't engaged in when I was in the shop previously and having to reacquire some skills that I haven't had to use in about three years. We've got a pretty good crew and there's not a lot of drama or difficult personalities to deal with, so I'm hoping for a smooth transition as I make the change April 1.
I really did think I could grow into the role and that only makes it more frustrating to give it up. But after three years of trying to grow into it and constantly hitting a wall it was time. My confidence as a leader continued to erode to the point where I was second guessing myself almost every Sunday and was leading with no authority. I'm chalking it up to not having the right gift mix for this particular ministry in this particular season. I believe I can still be an effective worship leader, but it may be awhile before I tread into those waters again.
In the meantime, I'm hoping to devote more time and energy to songwriting and may push farther into the realm of artist ministry. I started a songwriters' group last summer and am wondering if there might be opportunities to network in other artistic circles as well. More on that to come.
Change number two is that I will be changing roles at work next month. Lee, a good friend and my former shop manager, is stepping down as the manager of the bike shop. After a bit of thought and prayer, I made the decision to pursue the position and will be heading back to manage the bike shop after three years of managing bikes, a few cold weather clothing shops and making my living as a sales person.
The down side is that I no longer will qualify for sales trips (like the Jamaica trip we took last year and the Disney trip we took last month). The up side is that I will be setting the schedule for the shop and the expectation is that I will not be there much on the weekend and will only do one or two nights a week. This means a lot more time at home which we have all been craving. It also means that I should see more of our parents. It's been a bit frustrating to only live 70-80 miles away from all of them and only occasionally see them.
It also means a lot of new challenges as I try to get a handle on the parts of the job that I wasn't engaged in when I was in the shop previously and having to reacquire some skills that I haven't had to use in about three years. We've got a pretty good crew and there's not a lot of drama or difficult personalities to deal with, so I'm hoping for a smooth transition as I make the change April 1.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Snow riding
My only goal for this weekend was to spend two hours on the bike. I initially had intended to suffer through another long session in front of the TV as I burned calories but went absolutely nowhere, but when I woke up yesterday, the temps were around 30, snow was lightly falling and I decided it was a perfect day to get out the Rig and tool around the bike path for a roughly 21 mile snow excursion. My Gary Fisher Rig is a single speed mountain bike that I outfit with studded tires for winter riding (primarily commuting).
Almost immediately I realized it was going to take me the better part of two hours to do what I would normally do in just about half the time. The bike path in Sioux Falls had been plowed at one time in the last month, but several inches of snow were still on the path covering a lot of ice and even more footprints from runners that have been on the path over the last few weeks. It was slow going and it was quickly evident that legs and calories were going to burn as I diligently looked for the smartest path and exercised great patience at every corner for fear of having to pick myself up out of the snow.
It was very slow going with a lot of sections where I could barely muster eight miles per hour as I worked my way through the crusted footprints of other path users. There were a few sections where I could manage 13-14 mph over sections that had been wind blown, but they were very few. By the time I dragged myself home, I was absolutely exhausted, but knew that it was just the ride I needed.
I'm quickly approaching the six month to go point in my preparations for the Gutcheck 212 race this summer. I will suffer much more on that ride than I did yesterday, but it was a good ride for me to do at this point in the year. Road miles (of any sort) equal about twice the value of any trainer session or spin class (in my opinion) when it comes to practical application on the road. Not only that, but it's a heck of a lot more fun.
Almost immediately I realized it was going to take me the better part of two hours to do what I would normally do in just about half the time. The bike path in Sioux Falls had been plowed at one time in the last month, but several inches of snow were still on the path covering a lot of ice and even more footprints from runners that have been on the path over the last few weeks. It was slow going and it was quickly evident that legs and calories were going to burn as I diligently looked for the smartest path and exercised great patience at every corner for fear of having to pick myself up out of the snow.
It was very slow going with a lot of sections where I could barely muster eight miles per hour as I worked my way through the crusted footprints of other path users. There were a few sections where I could manage 13-14 mph over sections that had been wind blown, but they were very few. By the time I dragged myself home, I was absolutely exhausted, but knew that it was just the ride I needed.
I'm quickly approaching the six month to go point in my preparations for the Gutcheck 212 race this summer. I will suffer much more on that ride than I did yesterday, but it was a good ride for me to do at this point in the year. Road miles (of any sort) equal about twice the value of any trainer session or spin class (in my opinion) when it comes to practical application on the road. Not only that, but it's a heck of a lot more fun.
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