I've been reading a book called "Alternative Worship" by Jonny Baker & Doug Gay which has been a huge boost to my devotional time of late. It is primarily a collection of liturgical and ritual ideas for alternative worship services surrounding Advent, Lent, Easter and Pentecost.
In the Lent section, some of the liturgy and ritual ideas were around a desert theme. They talked about how after Jesus was baptized, he went into the desert before his testing by Satan. The assertion was that Jesus went into the desert to find his identity.
It gave me cause to consider where my "desert" is. Where do I go to find space to hear the "still, small voice" and allow God to reveal who He is and who I am in Him?
This morning I had opportunity to get out on the bike before work. I've been riding for years and hope to log over 2500 miles this year. I had hardly started when I realized that I was in my desert. It's from the saddle of my bike that I am strengthened in body, mind and spirit. It is there that I find space from the distractions of work and home and can clear my mind. It is there that my theology and philosophy is sharpened, reworked and redefined. It is there that my thirst for communion with God is quenched as I drink deeply of His creation and my soul is fed through the bread of His presence.
Since I'm usually out for at least 90 minutes each time, there is more opportunity to pray, listen, respond, worship. My best worship planning has happened on the bike. Many of my most insightful observations about ministry have happened with two wheels beneath me. It is there that He speaks most clearly to me. God has spoken through the veil of haze on an early summer ride to captivate me by the idea that he is "veiled in majesty." He has shown spoken about my ability to withstand temptation as I've sprinted to escape dogs on my route. He has shown me my need for effort and rest and for assessing my hills and headwinds in ministry so that I don't burn out before I've reached the goal.
Today I felt like myself again. It was the first time I'd been on the bike in almost two months and the first morning ride I'd had since October. I had realized that I was itching to ride, but today it was clear that the itch was for God and the place he was waiting meant fighting a 15 mph headwind for part of the way and climbing hills that seared my unconditioned legs. I know that the hills won't hurt so bad when my strength and conditioning come back over the coming weeks. I also know that God will increase the strength of my mind and spirit as I enter the desert.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Steppin' Out
Long time since I checked in. Our computer went down in mid February, its replacement took about four weeks to get here and I've had a few conferences and Easter to keep me occupied as well. Thankfully, I was able to get back on the bike this morning, so thoughts should be flowing freely that will keep me checking in.
Biggest thing going on right now is that we've made the first steps in making our departure for Sioux Falls official. We'll be communicating with different groups over the next few weeks and plan to be leaving sometime this summer. Still nothing concrete as far as jobs are concerned, but I'll get a little more worked up about that when it's June or July.
I am feeling very much at peace even though I hate to leave. I've already been observing "lasts" (last Easter, last Passover Meal) and have started to anticipate what's going to happen in terms of grieving over the next few months. Our time at Hanfield has shaped and grown us more than any other time in our lives. We have great friends who love us, some of who we may never see again. We have started things that we'll never get to see the fruit of and believe that the best days of ministry for the church will be after we have left.
We've had a few people tell us it's not too late to change our minds, but it's not mine to change. The call becomes more important to me as time goes on and if we were to stay here when we were called to leave, we'd do more harm than good. I believe that we are headed in the right direction and Tim shared with us today that he felt that release in prayer as well recently (just another way that God has confirmed the call).
We're praying to finish well and to help Hanfield by making the transition the best it can possibly be. Ironically, the best season of worship we've had in years has been the last three months. It makes it a little harder to leave, but I'd rather leave with things going well than when things are a mess. I know that God has someone in mind to replace us and I'm hoping that they are listening to His call.
Biggest thing going on right now is that we've made the first steps in making our departure for Sioux Falls official. We'll be communicating with different groups over the next few weeks and plan to be leaving sometime this summer. Still nothing concrete as far as jobs are concerned, but I'll get a little more worked up about that when it's June or July.
I am feeling very much at peace even though I hate to leave. I've already been observing "lasts" (last Easter, last Passover Meal) and have started to anticipate what's going to happen in terms of grieving over the next few months. Our time at Hanfield has shaped and grown us more than any other time in our lives. We have great friends who love us, some of who we may never see again. We have started things that we'll never get to see the fruit of and believe that the best days of ministry for the church will be after we have left.
We've had a few people tell us it's not too late to change our minds, but it's not mine to change. The call becomes more important to me as time goes on and if we were to stay here when we were called to leave, we'd do more harm than good. I believe that we are headed in the right direction and Tim shared with us today that he felt that release in prayer as well recently (just another way that God has confirmed the call).
We're praying to finish well and to help Hanfield by making the transition the best it can possibly be. Ironically, the best season of worship we've had in years has been the last three months. It makes it a little harder to leave, but I'd rather leave with things going well than when things are a mess. I know that God has someone in mind to replace us and I'm hoping that they are listening to His call.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
The Nostalgia of the Now
When "I Love the '80's" hit VH1 awhile back, I thought, "Yeah, I suppose it's about time that we began to revisit the events of my youth in a retrospective, nostalgic way." I enjoyed the series immensely and began to find myself waxing poetic about events that I felt were far enough in the past to join the warm, fuzzy memories of yesteryear.
When VH1 followed up with "I Love the '70's" I though, "How appropriate that the '70's receive the same treatment that the '80's received since most viewers of the '80's series probably remember at least a part of the 70's."
Then a somewhat troubling trend followed that I've been noticing more and more of lately: we began to celebrate the nostalgia of events whose ink is barely dry in newspapers and magazines. While I enjoyed "I love the '90's", I had to wonder whether we really needed to take a fond look back at the years that produced pop culture references that are still in regular use. I started to see it happen more in specials ranking the most influential people of the last century (I believe it was just the century and not the millennium) including the likes of Princess Diana, who did some good things and was a pop culture personality, but to include her on the same list as Albert Einstein...
I started to see it on web polls: "Where does last night's game rank on the list of all time great (insert sport here) games?" How can we be impartial judges of such a question with the final buzzer still ringing in our ears, the adrenaline from a great finish still pumping in our veins and the soda (beer) and chips we ate while watching said game are still working their way through our digestive systems?
VH1, not to be outdone in celebrating "the nostalgia of the now" then began their "Greatest Week Ever" series with a lot of the same personalities from their "I Love the.." series presenting (in the same style as "I Love the...") a nostalgic look back at the past week. Absurd? Yes. They are presenting a retrospective on events that haven't even played out yet, in some cases not giving due process to legal news before presenting what their impressions are as fact. Yes, I realize that bloggers do the same thing at times, but blogs usually allow you to post responses that can keep a dialogue rolling about a topic that gives it a less final feel.
Well, this week brought news of yet another nostalgic absurdity. I pulled the following off of Relevant Magazine's site:
Though only 30 years old, The Aviator star Leonardo DiCaprio received the lifetime achievement award from the Santa Barbara International Film Festival ...
Somehow I think we should wait until after Leo's fourth acting Oscar, second directing Oscar, third marriage, term as president of the Actor's guild and fourth decade in the business before giving him a lifetime achievement award.
If we were to apply similar criteria, other artists to receive lifetime achievement awards from movies and music would include some of the very same people that were featured in "I Love the '70's" and "I Love the 80's" as "remember that guy?" moments.
Peace
When VH1 followed up with "I Love the '70's" I though, "How appropriate that the '70's receive the same treatment that the '80's received since most viewers of the '80's series probably remember at least a part of the 70's."
Then a somewhat troubling trend followed that I've been noticing more and more of lately: we began to celebrate the nostalgia of events whose ink is barely dry in newspapers and magazines. While I enjoyed "I love the '90's", I had to wonder whether we really needed to take a fond look back at the years that produced pop culture references that are still in regular use. I started to see it happen more in specials ranking the most influential people of the last century (I believe it was just the century and not the millennium) including the likes of Princess Diana, who did some good things and was a pop culture personality, but to include her on the same list as Albert Einstein...
I started to see it on web polls: "Where does last night's game rank on the list of all time great (insert sport here) games?" How can we be impartial judges of such a question with the final buzzer still ringing in our ears, the adrenaline from a great finish still pumping in our veins and the soda (beer) and chips we ate while watching said game are still working their way through our digestive systems?
VH1, not to be outdone in celebrating "the nostalgia of the now" then began their "Greatest Week Ever" series with a lot of the same personalities from their "I Love the.." series presenting (in the same style as "I Love the...") a nostalgic look back at the past week. Absurd? Yes. They are presenting a retrospective on events that haven't even played out yet, in some cases not giving due process to legal news before presenting what their impressions are as fact. Yes, I realize that bloggers do the same thing at times, but blogs usually allow you to post responses that can keep a dialogue rolling about a topic that gives it a less final feel.
Well, this week brought news of yet another nostalgic absurdity. I pulled the following off of Relevant Magazine's site:
Though only 30 years old, The Aviator star Leonardo DiCaprio received the lifetime achievement award from the Santa Barbara International Film Festival ...
Somehow I think we should wait until after Leo's fourth acting Oscar, second directing Oscar, third marriage, term as president of the Actor's guild and fourth decade in the business before giving him a lifetime achievement award.
If we were to apply similar criteria, other artists to receive lifetime achievement awards from movies and music would include some of the very same people that were featured in "I Love the '70's" and "I Love the 80's" as "remember that guy?" moments.
Peace
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Where I feel like I'm headed
Dreaming, praying, debating (primarily with myself) and seeking have probably defined me this month. Other than a sense that God is calling us to uproot and move to Sioux Falls, SD in order to reach out to artists in the community, things have been fairly vague. Details like how to pay the bills, how to sell this house (in an unfavorable economy) and how to feed the kids make some kind of a job on the other side of this fairly important. Problem is, we don't really know vocationally what God wants us to do.
Here's what I do know: God has been allowing us to dream a great deal about different ways to reach out to artists in Sioux Falls (musical, visual, performing...) in hopes of encouraging and equipping artists to create redemptive art as an act of worship. I believe that creative artists have a creative urge because of the image of God that is stamped on their lives. God is the ultimate creative artist and loves when we that have the creative urge create in an effort to reflect that part of his character.
One thought that's been pretty consistent has been the idea of a monthly fellowship gathering for artists where we can worship together, learn together, network and be challenged to stretch in our calling as creative artists. My hope is that the art that emerges from this type of setting would begin to be seen community wide and would give us credibility as artists to engage and influence creative artists throughout the area. I am imagining a day when the art that is created in Sioux Falls takes more influence from artists with a Christian worldview instead of having artists in the Christian community trying to always imitate what is being produced "out there." That's been a particular rant of mine for a while that I might explore in another post.
I could even see the possibility of doing a church plant with "twenty-something" artists as the target group. I would definitely want to partner with someone that would be a compliment to Amy and me to do something like that though. I can't see being "the guy" in charge of a congregation. I just recognize too many deficiencies in myself to forge ahead without some covering.
I'll probably just continue to post other ideas and dreams for ministry to artists as they come to me.
Here's what I do know: God has been allowing us to dream a great deal about different ways to reach out to artists in Sioux Falls (musical, visual, performing...) in hopes of encouraging and equipping artists to create redemptive art as an act of worship. I believe that creative artists have a creative urge because of the image of God that is stamped on their lives. God is the ultimate creative artist and loves when we that have the creative urge create in an effort to reflect that part of his character.
One thought that's been pretty consistent has been the idea of a monthly fellowship gathering for artists where we can worship together, learn together, network and be challenged to stretch in our calling as creative artists. My hope is that the art that emerges from this type of setting would begin to be seen community wide and would give us credibility as artists to engage and influence creative artists throughout the area. I am imagining a day when the art that is created in Sioux Falls takes more influence from artists with a Christian worldview instead of having artists in the Christian community trying to always imitate what is being produced "out there." That's been a particular rant of mine for a while that I might explore in another post.
I could even see the possibility of doing a church plant with "twenty-something" artists as the target group. I would definitely want to partner with someone that would be a compliment to Amy and me to do something like that though. I can't see being "the guy" in charge of a congregation. I just recognize too many deficiencies in myself to forge ahead without some covering.
I'll probably just continue to post other ideas and dreams for ministry to artists as they come to me.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
A long time coming (the sequel)
Picking up where I left off last time...
We arrived home in Marion after vacation at around 11:30 pm, grabbed a few hours of sleep and then led worship the next morning. Since we hadn't had a chance to rehearse a group, Amy and I led with Christer Lagerqvist on percussion in a more scaled-down, acoustic setting. We enjoyed leading and the congregation seemed to enjoy the change of pace from the full band (more on that later).
Tim's sermon was on vision in regards to the future of Hanfield, but so much of it confirmed what we had been feeling over the previous week. I had been feeling out of step with the vision of the church for a few years and even the vision statement and core values that had been stated last summer didn't really connect with me since they seem to be somewhat of a rehashing of where we've been before.
Tim said that when the vision "runs out," we have to choices: to go back or to "go west." To go back means to try to recreate and relive past vision. While the new vision and values seem to rehash old ground, I do not believe that they are an attempt by the church to relive the "glory days." I think that they are an accurate indicator of who we are as a congregation and serve as the foundation upon which the church builds.
In Acts 16, Paul was on a missionary journey when he ran out of real estate. He had gone to Troaz which basically left him the options of going back to where he'd already been or to get on a ship and "go west." The "go west" statement took Amy and me by surprise and caused knowing looks and "inside joke" smiles. The irony of what Tim was saying in regards to where we felt God was leading was just too humorous for us, but continued to provide confirmation as well.
He went on to say that in vision:
1) Timing is important
2) Confirmation is a must
3) Tests will come
Again, this spoke to what we were feeling. Timing has never been a strength for me. I always want to move from vision to reality at the fastest possible speed. Making sure we don't get ahead of God is just one of the things we're concerned about. Now, God's grace is sufficient to cover our mistakes, but we'd really like to get it right and be obedient. We're still not sure of the timing several weeks later, but we are feeling an urgency.
Over the last few weeks, confirmation has continued to come at a steady pace. Evidence from the January 2nd services was there beyond the sermon. We felt as though things went well and that the congregation was fairly receptive to a more acoustic, scaled down approach to worship. Some of the feedback I got revealed exactly the opposite. We were pretty heavily criticized by one person in particular who had also asked for the impressions of a couple of other people before reporting to us. Made me wonder, yet again, if we are still a good fit for the church.
Confirmation has also been present in meetings, it's been present in conversations, it's been present in counsel that we have sought and it's been present in communication with God. Things that I have thought about have been rearticulated by others in conversations by people who know what we're working through and people who don't. It's becoming more and more clear that the kind of people I have a heart to reach are not really on the map for the church as a whole. I do believe that the church has a heart for lost people and a vision for reaching lost people, so this is not a criticism of the church, just a recognition that my vision may not be the same as that of the church. That's fairly solid confirmation in itself.
In terms of tests, we've already experienced a lot of questioning of where to go and when. It's not like we have jobs waiting for us on the other side of this and each day that we stay here, it gets a little easier to question whether this "new vision" is from God or just wishful thinking on my part. Writing this stuff down over the past few days has helped to solidify the calling to Sioux Falls in my mind. I'll probably write about some vision things that I've got in mind in another post in the next week or so.
There's also been the test of faith. If we packed up and moved without a house, without jobs, without any certainty of provision, do we really believe that God would take care of us? Intellectually, I say "yes" because I know that's the right answer. Since I haven't actually taken any steps to move in that direction, I have to wonder. When we moved here, it was very much by faith. The main differences this time around are that we had some income lined up last time, we had two less children, no mortgage, less monthly bills... The circumstances have changed, but God hasn't. I feel fairly certain that we will make the move (jobs or not), but it all comes back to timing.
I seem to have lost any kind of cohesive thought or writing style, so I think I'll let that suffice for this chapter of things. I'm hoping to be a little more frequent in writing, so we'll see what else comes out over the next few weeks.
Peace.
We arrived home in Marion after vacation at around 11:30 pm, grabbed a few hours of sleep and then led worship the next morning. Since we hadn't had a chance to rehearse a group, Amy and I led with Christer Lagerqvist on percussion in a more scaled-down, acoustic setting. We enjoyed leading and the congregation seemed to enjoy the change of pace from the full band (more on that later).
Tim's sermon was on vision in regards to the future of Hanfield, but so much of it confirmed what we had been feeling over the previous week. I had been feeling out of step with the vision of the church for a few years and even the vision statement and core values that had been stated last summer didn't really connect with me since they seem to be somewhat of a rehashing of where we've been before.
Tim said that when the vision "runs out," we have to choices: to go back or to "go west." To go back means to try to recreate and relive past vision. While the new vision and values seem to rehash old ground, I do not believe that they are an attempt by the church to relive the "glory days." I think that they are an accurate indicator of who we are as a congregation and serve as the foundation upon which the church builds.
In Acts 16, Paul was on a missionary journey when he ran out of real estate. He had gone to Troaz which basically left him the options of going back to where he'd already been or to get on a ship and "go west." The "go west" statement took Amy and me by surprise and caused knowing looks and "inside joke" smiles. The irony of what Tim was saying in regards to where we felt God was leading was just too humorous for us, but continued to provide confirmation as well.
He went on to say that in vision:
1) Timing is important
2) Confirmation is a must
3) Tests will come
Again, this spoke to what we were feeling. Timing has never been a strength for me. I always want to move from vision to reality at the fastest possible speed. Making sure we don't get ahead of God is just one of the things we're concerned about. Now, God's grace is sufficient to cover our mistakes, but we'd really like to get it right and be obedient. We're still not sure of the timing several weeks later, but we are feeling an urgency.
Over the last few weeks, confirmation has continued to come at a steady pace. Evidence from the January 2nd services was there beyond the sermon. We felt as though things went well and that the congregation was fairly receptive to a more acoustic, scaled down approach to worship. Some of the feedback I got revealed exactly the opposite. We were pretty heavily criticized by one person in particular who had also asked for the impressions of a couple of other people before reporting to us. Made me wonder, yet again, if we are still a good fit for the church.
Confirmation has also been present in meetings, it's been present in conversations, it's been present in counsel that we have sought and it's been present in communication with God. Things that I have thought about have been rearticulated by others in conversations by people who know what we're working through and people who don't. It's becoming more and more clear that the kind of people I have a heart to reach are not really on the map for the church as a whole. I do believe that the church has a heart for lost people and a vision for reaching lost people, so this is not a criticism of the church, just a recognition that my vision may not be the same as that of the church. That's fairly solid confirmation in itself.
In terms of tests, we've already experienced a lot of questioning of where to go and when. It's not like we have jobs waiting for us on the other side of this and each day that we stay here, it gets a little easier to question whether this "new vision" is from God or just wishful thinking on my part. Writing this stuff down over the past few days has helped to solidify the calling to Sioux Falls in my mind. I'll probably write about some vision things that I've got in mind in another post in the next week or so.
There's also been the test of faith. If we packed up and moved without a house, without jobs, without any certainty of provision, do we really believe that God would take care of us? Intellectually, I say "yes" because I know that's the right answer. Since I haven't actually taken any steps to move in that direction, I have to wonder. When we moved here, it was very much by faith. The main differences this time around are that we had some income lined up last time, we had two less children, no mortgage, less monthly bills... The circumstances have changed, but God hasn't. I feel fairly certain that we will make the move (jobs or not), but it all comes back to timing.
I seem to have lost any kind of cohesive thought or writing style, so I think I'll let that suffice for this chapter of things. I'm hoping to be a little more frequent in writing, so we'll see what else comes out over the next few weeks.
Peace.
Friday, January 21, 2005
A long time coming
So... It's been over two months since I last wrote and I just reread my last post. I'd like to say that I'm less stressed than I was then and that my outlook has changed, but I find myself less stressed than I was then with an outlook very similar to what I had before.
A lot has happened in the last few months that has simply reinforced a lot of what I've been feeling of late and confirmed that it may be time to move on if I want to be involved in ministry that I can feel passionate about again. I still love my church. Still love the people I work with (staff and volunteer). Love the friends I have here more than I ever have... Hate the fact that I just don't like what I'm doing or what my future role in ministry would be.
I've been watching my role change into more of an administrative one over the last six months complete with the trappings of extra meetings, more responsibility for the performance of others and an increased sense that I'm to give myself for the sake of the institution (not an entirely accurate way to put it, but other terms for it escape me). I am finding less flexibility and more pressure while having to do things and be a part of decisions I don't want to be a part of.
In talking with Keith Conner last week he said, "We do all of this teaching about people doing what they're passionate about and using their spiritual gifts in ministry, but when it comes to our staff it doesn't seem to apply." I'd have to agree that I'm being asked to operate in areas that I am not gifted in and certainly in areas I'm not passionate about.
Add to that the fact that the satellite campus idea seems to continue to drift further and further from where my heart is. That's not to say that the idea of a video venue campus for Hanfield is the wrong way to go, I just don't see it as having any meaningful ministry to unchurched people in our community. I think it would become just one more option on the menu of the church community for people that are seeking to feed their selfish appetites for the church of the moment untill they get sick of eating there and decide they'd rather taste what the Wesleyans/Baptists/other Methodists... are serving. A bit condemning? Yes. The point of hyperbole is to state the exaggerated case in order to make a point.
So, where does that leave me? Let's rehash the vacation I got back from a few weeks ago:
After pouring ourselves into "A Christmas Tale" at the Hostess House and all of the other activities surrounding Advent at Hanfield, we packed up the kids and drove the 12.5 hours home to visit family on Dec. 19th (I didn't even need to consult the calendar that's how much I was looking forward to this vacation). We spent a few days with my folks in northwest Iowa watching birds, opening presents, visiting with grandparents (who I wound up seeing for about 4 hours total in 2004) and just enjoying a few days of recharging before what we anticipated would be the most stressfull part of the trip.
Dec. 23rd we left for Mitchell, SD for a family portrait with Amy's Dad's family, complete with step-brother Brian, step-sister Brenda and Brenda's boyfriend of ten years, Brad. We hadn't seen the 3 B's in about five years and on that particular occasion, we pretty much kept to ourselves and they pretty much kept to themselves. I looked with tremendous condescension on their smoking, drinking and general behavior and they probably (rightly) judged me to be a pretentious, religious snob.
Well, things were going to be different this time. All three are post Christian, white collar professionals in Arizona and California and really represent the kind of people that God has been giving me a heart for. I was determined to treat them with genuine respect and love and just let things fall where they may.
First thing we had to do was the picture which was a little awkward after not even seeing each other for several years. We all made the best of it and of the family reunion that we had that night with a lot of everybody's family that we had never met.
After the reunion, we went back and put the kids to bed and then took the 3 B's to the bar. We had worked it out with Amy's dad to go out that night to see our roommate from college, Lloyd, and his band playing at a bar in town and promoted it as a "bonding time" for us with the 3 B's. They were rather impressed that we had a sanctioned trip to the bar as a part of our holiday itinerary and decided I was probably alright. We had a great time and I think we were really at ease with each other from that point on.
Next day, we did the present thing, Christmas Eve service (without the 3 B's) and just kind of hung out. Christmas Day we stayed for dinner and then drove to Amy's mom's (more on that later). As we drove out of Mitchell, Amy talked about her impressions of how things went over what could have been a highly stressful, confrontational visit. I shared with her that I was ecstatic with how things went. I felt like we showed Brian, Brenda and Brad that we were happy to be able to be with them for a couple of days, that we are genuinely interested in what is going on in their lives and that we love them as they are. I think we were able to build new relationships with them that will hopefully help us stay closer to them (even though we're half a country away) and might even allow us the opportunity to continue in conversation with them about the reality of God. We had none of those conversations during our three days together, but we couldn't without relationship without becoming the pretentious, judgmental people we had been when we saw them last.
The road from Mitchell led us to Yankton, SD and Amy's mom and step-dad Jim. I always look forward to this part of the trip because I love Jim and Marilyn immensely, the view of the Missouri River above the dam is beautiful (even if you are stuck looking at Nebraska) and there is always good beer. Jim always takes care of me. We had a case of Fat Tire to work on as well as a stout and a brown from a Kansas City micro-brewer to work on over the course of five days.
Unfortunately, I got sick the first night. I felt a headache coming on shortly after we arrived and tried to get rid of it with some Excedrin at supper (killer white chili that Jim made and, of course, beer). As the night wore on I felt worse and worse. The headache got more intense and didn't seem to be slowing down. Finally, as I was watching the Broncos beat up on the Titans, I had the realization that it wasn't going anywhere until I threw up. I waited until the Broncos scored in the second quarter and decided that was as good a time as any to revisit the white chili and beer in the bathroom. Jim's response was, "Hey, that was good chili!" I wound up spending the night on the leather love seat on the first floor for the night where I was able to welcome Casey (Amy's brother) and his family when they got there about 11:30 that night.
I woke the next morning feeling significantly better, but very weak from extended purging of my system the previous night and decided that everybody should go to church without me. Once they left I got out Casey's guitar and had my life changed.
My weakened voice called out in desperate worship of God, cracking and breaking like I had been over the last few months. I pushed through and broke into spontaneous prayer song as I told God what little I knew of Him and how much I needed more of Him. I poured frustration at the foot of the cross, and lay facedown in my unworthiness before the One that perfects the word "worthy." In the midst of this moment I told God again how I wished he would just release me from ministry at Hanfield and had been saying, "Here am I, send me." for months. Finally, I sensed Him say "Go." I was a bit surprised and also a bit concerned that it was my voice and not His. I asked God to drown out any voice but His own and heard again, "Go."
After more prayer, I opened the Bible to the Psalms. I read Psalm 98. "Sing to the Lord a new song..." It seemed appropriate. I read Psalm 99. In verses six and seven it says that Moses, Aaron and Samuel called on his name and he answered them! I prayed, "Lord, I know that I am not in the same league as Moses, Aaron and Samuel, but I'm praying for You to answer me like You did them. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff and I don't know what to do." I heard Him say, "Jump." Again, I prayed for all other voices to be silenced and asked what I should do. Again, He said, "Jump."
Over the course of the vacation I had found myself thinking a lot about Sioux Falls, SD. It's a small city of about 160-170 thousand people, a lot of growth with 20 somethings and a decent arts community. It is one of the few places in the area that the kind of ministry that I'd been dreaming of might actually have a good chance of succeeding. I asked where this jump might take us and Sioux Falls again was fixed firmly in my mind.
I decided to wait before talking to anyone about what was going on and we had a great time with family that day after church. My appetite returned and I was glad to tackle the steak and ale that was placed before me that night.
3:30 am. I woke from a dream, grabbed my pencil and journal and headed to the bathroom (the only place where I could turn on a light so I could see what I was doing without running the risk of waking somebody up. I did my best to put the dream on paper so that I could remember it. I don't know if it was God speaking to me again or not, but I wanted to remember as much as I could so I could wrestle with it in the morning. I don't have my journal here, but the gist of it was that we were at Hanfield and someone from the church came up to me and said, "I have been really blessed by your ministry here, but sometimes to take the easy road is to forsake Christ." That is when I woke up. Once I had it on paper, I went back to bed and tried to get some more rest.
As I spent time with God that morning, I really questioned whether the "easy road" was to stay or to leave. I really got the sense that the "easy road" was to stay at Hanfield.
I finally began the conversation with Amy that day. Now, we had had conversations over the last few years where I expressed a restlessness and wondered if it was time to move on. She had never been very receptive. When we were called into ministry, God called both of us, so I knew that as long as she didn't feel ready to leave that we were not released to go. She was, in a sense, the first litmus test for me as to whether we were truly being called away or not. I expected her to be hesitant, to pray about it over time and eventually to either confirm or deny that release. To my surprise, she immediately said, "I could move closer to home."
The rest of the vacation was filled with dreaming, planning, confessing that we were afraid, but with a resolve that we were going to go to Sioux Falls.
We went back to my mom and dad's for a few days where we were able to see my sister and her girls before we drove back on New Year's Day.
It occurs to me that I've been writing for an hour and a half, so I think I'll save the rest for another sitting. There's a lot that has happened since the first of the year in terms of vision, work and life in general and I want to be sure to get it all down, just not now.
A lot has happened in the last few months that has simply reinforced a lot of what I've been feeling of late and confirmed that it may be time to move on if I want to be involved in ministry that I can feel passionate about again. I still love my church. Still love the people I work with (staff and volunteer). Love the friends I have here more than I ever have... Hate the fact that I just don't like what I'm doing or what my future role in ministry would be.
I've been watching my role change into more of an administrative one over the last six months complete with the trappings of extra meetings, more responsibility for the performance of others and an increased sense that I'm to give myself for the sake of the institution (not an entirely accurate way to put it, but other terms for it escape me). I am finding less flexibility and more pressure while having to do things and be a part of decisions I don't want to be a part of.
In talking with Keith Conner last week he said, "We do all of this teaching about people doing what they're passionate about and using their spiritual gifts in ministry, but when it comes to our staff it doesn't seem to apply." I'd have to agree that I'm being asked to operate in areas that I am not gifted in and certainly in areas I'm not passionate about.
Add to that the fact that the satellite campus idea seems to continue to drift further and further from where my heart is. That's not to say that the idea of a video venue campus for Hanfield is the wrong way to go, I just don't see it as having any meaningful ministry to unchurched people in our community. I think it would become just one more option on the menu of the church community for people that are seeking to feed their selfish appetites for the church of the moment untill they get sick of eating there and decide they'd rather taste what the Wesleyans/Baptists/other Methodists... are serving. A bit condemning? Yes. The point of hyperbole is to state the exaggerated case in order to make a point.
So, where does that leave me? Let's rehash the vacation I got back from a few weeks ago:
After pouring ourselves into "A Christmas Tale" at the Hostess House and all of the other activities surrounding Advent at Hanfield, we packed up the kids and drove the 12.5 hours home to visit family on Dec. 19th (I didn't even need to consult the calendar that's how much I was looking forward to this vacation). We spent a few days with my folks in northwest Iowa watching birds, opening presents, visiting with grandparents (who I wound up seeing for about 4 hours total in 2004) and just enjoying a few days of recharging before what we anticipated would be the most stressfull part of the trip.
Dec. 23rd we left for Mitchell, SD for a family portrait with Amy's Dad's family, complete with step-brother Brian, step-sister Brenda and Brenda's boyfriend of ten years, Brad. We hadn't seen the 3 B's in about five years and on that particular occasion, we pretty much kept to ourselves and they pretty much kept to themselves. I looked with tremendous condescension on their smoking, drinking and general behavior and they probably (rightly) judged me to be a pretentious, religious snob.
Well, things were going to be different this time. All three are post Christian, white collar professionals in Arizona and California and really represent the kind of people that God has been giving me a heart for. I was determined to treat them with genuine respect and love and just let things fall where they may.
First thing we had to do was the picture which was a little awkward after not even seeing each other for several years. We all made the best of it and of the family reunion that we had that night with a lot of everybody's family that we had never met.
After the reunion, we went back and put the kids to bed and then took the 3 B's to the bar. We had worked it out with Amy's dad to go out that night to see our roommate from college, Lloyd, and his band playing at a bar in town and promoted it as a "bonding time" for us with the 3 B's. They were rather impressed that we had a sanctioned trip to the bar as a part of our holiday itinerary and decided I was probably alright. We had a great time and I think we were really at ease with each other from that point on.
Next day, we did the present thing, Christmas Eve service (without the 3 B's) and just kind of hung out. Christmas Day we stayed for dinner and then drove to Amy's mom's (more on that later). As we drove out of Mitchell, Amy talked about her impressions of how things went over what could have been a highly stressful, confrontational visit. I shared with her that I was ecstatic with how things went. I felt like we showed Brian, Brenda and Brad that we were happy to be able to be with them for a couple of days, that we are genuinely interested in what is going on in their lives and that we love them as they are. I think we were able to build new relationships with them that will hopefully help us stay closer to them (even though we're half a country away) and might even allow us the opportunity to continue in conversation with them about the reality of God. We had none of those conversations during our three days together, but we couldn't without relationship without becoming the pretentious, judgmental people we had been when we saw them last.
The road from Mitchell led us to Yankton, SD and Amy's mom and step-dad Jim. I always look forward to this part of the trip because I love Jim and Marilyn immensely, the view of the Missouri River above the dam is beautiful (even if you are stuck looking at Nebraska) and there is always good beer. Jim always takes care of me. We had a case of Fat Tire to work on as well as a stout and a brown from a Kansas City micro-brewer to work on over the course of five days.
Unfortunately, I got sick the first night. I felt a headache coming on shortly after we arrived and tried to get rid of it with some Excedrin at supper (killer white chili that Jim made and, of course, beer). As the night wore on I felt worse and worse. The headache got more intense and didn't seem to be slowing down. Finally, as I was watching the Broncos beat up on the Titans, I had the realization that it wasn't going anywhere until I threw up. I waited until the Broncos scored in the second quarter and decided that was as good a time as any to revisit the white chili and beer in the bathroom. Jim's response was, "Hey, that was good chili!" I wound up spending the night on the leather love seat on the first floor for the night where I was able to welcome Casey (Amy's brother) and his family when they got there about 11:30 that night.
I woke the next morning feeling significantly better, but very weak from extended purging of my system the previous night and decided that everybody should go to church without me. Once they left I got out Casey's guitar and had my life changed.
My weakened voice called out in desperate worship of God, cracking and breaking like I had been over the last few months. I pushed through and broke into spontaneous prayer song as I told God what little I knew of Him and how much I needed more of Him. I poured frustration at the foot of the cross, and lay facedown in my unworthiness before the One that perfects the word "worthy." In the midst of this moment I told God again how I wished he would just release me from ministry at Hanfield and had been saying, "Here am I, send me." for months. Finally, I sensed Him say "Go." I was a bit surprised and also a bit concerned that it was my voice and not His. I asked God to drown out any voice but His own and heard again, "Go."
After more prayer, I opened the Bible to the Psalms. I read Psalm 98. "Sing to the Lord a new song..." It seemed appropriate. I read Psalm 99. In verses six and seven it says that Moses, Aaron and Samuel called on his name and he answered them! I prayed, "Lord, I know that I am not in the same league as Moses, Aaron and Samuel, but I'm praying for You to answer me like You did them. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff and I don't know what to do." I heard Him say, "Jump." Again, I prayed for all other voices to be silenced and asked what I should do. Again, He said, "Jump."
Over the course of the vacation I had found myself thinking a lot about Sioux Falls, SD. It's a small city of about 160-170 thousand people, a lot of growth with 20 somethings and a decent arts community. It is one of the few places in the area that the kind of ministry that I'd been dreaming of might actually have a good chance of succeeding. I asked where this jump might take us and Sioux Falls again was fixed firmly in my mind.
I decided to wait before talking to anyone about what was going on and we had a great time with family that day after church. My appetite returned and I was glad to tackle the steak and ale that was placed before me that night.
3:30 am. I woke from a dream, grabbed my pencil and journal and headed to the bathroom (the only place where I could turn on a light so I could see what I was doing without running the risk of waking somebody up. I did my best to put the dream on paper so that I could remember it. I don't know if it was God speaking to me again or not, but I wanted to remember as much as I could so I could wrestle with it in the morning. I don't have my journal here, but the gist of it was that we were at Hanfield and someone from the church came up to me and said, "I have been really blessed by your ministry here, but sometimes to take the easy road is to forsake Christ." That is when I woke up. Once I had it on paper, I went back to bed and tried to get some more rest.
As I spent time with God that morning, I really questioned whether the "easy road" was to stay or to leave. I really got the sense that the "easy road" was to stay at Hanfield.
I finally began the conversation with Amy that day. Now, we had had conversations over the last few years where I expressed a restlessness and wondered if it was time to move on. She had never been very receptive. When we were called into ministry, God called both of us, so I knew that as long as she didn't feel ready to leave that we were not released to go. She was, in a sense, the first litmus test for me as to whether we were truly being called away or not. I expected her to be hesitant, to pray about it over time and eventually to either confirm or deny that release. To my surprise, she immediately said, "I could move closer to home."
The rest of the vacation was filled with dreaming, planning, confessing that we were afraid, but with a resolve that we were going to go to Sioux Falls.
We went back to my mom and dad's for a few days where we were able to see my sister and her girls before we drove back on New Year's Day.
It occurs to me that I've been writing for an hour and a half, so I think I'll save the rest for another sitting. There's a lot that has happened since the first of the year in terms of vision, work and life in general and I want to be sure to get it all down, just not now.
Saturday, November 06, 2004
More thoughts on Emerging Church issues
I would have done this yesterday morning when it was all a bit fresher, but I couldn't get logged in to write. I woke up yesterday having dreamt a fair amount of conversations about the emergent church "movement" (those involved would rather think of it as a conversation). I've apparently had it on the brain a lot and had just finished Dan Kimball's The Emerging Church the morning before.
I had also read the first part of an article that was in Christianity Today about the emerging church that danced around some explanation of what it is, where it has come from and where it might be going (http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2004/011/12.36.html). I finished the article in the morning and then followed a link from it to an interview with Rob Bell (pastor of Mars Hill) that had a lot of very interesting insight about preaching (http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2004/002/1.24.html).
I guess some of my response to these articles came out of what a crap week it's been with wrestling with budget stuff, ministry structure stuff and a fairly good small group meeting where we spent a lot of time trying to come to conclusions where I would rather have been captivated by the mystery of how God works. I'm so tired of trying to control everything and trying to put things in a box that is manageable so that I can be untroubled by things that are going on around me. Where mystery exists, I'd like to let it exist since part of its purpose is to remind me that God is so far beyond my understanding and to move me to awe and wonder. Not that intellectual exercise is bad. God wants to be known and we are to pursue Him in ways that lead us to a better understanding of His character and how we are to live in relationship to Him and to others. I'm just having a hard time intellectualizing everything to the point of uninspiration and am not convinced that we come to a full understanding most of the time anyway. Oh well.
Back to the articles. One of the points of the emergent article was to examine whether emergent ministry is fad or future for the church at large. The opinion that I have at this point is that whether emergent theology is a trend or the future seems irrelevant. The surest way to see the church in America go the way of the church in Europe is to do nothing. If we want to be increasingly in decline in both numbers, influence and relevance to our culture, then by all means, let us continue to do things the way we have been and try to discredit anyone who does anything slightly different than what we're doing now. We are too enamored with the trends that helped us see renewed interest in the church in the 1980's-90's and are failing to recognize the need for diversity in how we approach ministry now. I'm tired of church. That may be me speaking out of stress, weariness and frustration with having too many things going on right now, but I think at heart it is how I feel about experiencing a Christian community that doesn't resemble what God intends it to be.
I had also read the first part of an article that was in Christianity Today about the emerging church that danced around some explanation of what it is, where it has come from and where it might be going (http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2004/011/12.36.html). I finished the article in the morning and then followed a link from it to an interview with Rob Bell (pastor of Mars Hill) that had a lot of very interesting insight about preaching (http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2004/002/1.24.html).
I guess some of my response to these articles came out of what a crap week it's been with wrestling with budget stuff, ministry structure stuff and a fairly good small group meeting where we spent a lot of time trying to come to conclusions where I would rather have been captivated by the mystery of how God works. I'm so tired of trying to control everything and trying to put things in a box that is manageable so that I can be untroubled by things that are going on around me. Where mystery exists, I'd like to let it exist since part of its purpose is to remind me that God is so far beyond my understanding and to move me to awe and wonder. Not that intellectual exercise is bad. God wants to be known and we are to pursue Him in ways that lead us to a better understanding of His character and how we are to live in relationship to Him and to others. I'm just having a hard time intellectualizing everything to the point of uninspiration and am not convinced that we come to a full understanding most of the time anyway. Oh well.
Back to the articles. One of the points of the emergent article was to examine whether emergent ministry is fad or future for the church at large. The opinion that I have at this point is that whether emergent theology is a trend or the future seems irrelevant. The surest way to see the church in America go the way of the church in Europe is to do nothing. If we want to be increasingly in decline in both numbers, influence and relevance to our culture, then by all means, let us continue to do things the way we have been and try to discredit anyone who does anything slightly different than what we're doing now. We are too enamored with the trends that helped us see renewed interest in the church in the 1980's-90's and are failing to recognize the need for diversity in how we approach ministry now. I'm tired of church. That may be me speaking out of stress, weariness and frustration with having too many things going on right now, but I think at heart it is how I feel about experiencing a Christian community that doesn't resemble what God intends it to be.
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