I returned yesterday from a retreat at Blue Cloud Abbey, a monastery in northeast South Dakota, with one of the guys from my small group and a group of men from Cornerstone UMC in Watertown. I really didn't know what to expect as I am not really a "men's retreat" kind of guy. I've always kind of shied away from the stereotypical male bonding, kill an elk, drum in a circle kind of activities that I might envision when I hear about such events. Thankfully, this was not one of those retreats.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a processor. It can take days or weeks for me to wrestle with the things I've been thinking before I have the ability to coherently state what it is that the Lord has impressed upon me. I'm still processing from this weekend, but feel that there is one area where processing out loud may actually help move the process forward.
One of the questions that we dealt with in groups on Friday night was along the lines of "Is there an area in your life where you need to come alive?" I was surprised at how quickly an answer came to mind. I really feel a sense that I am struggling in the area of intimacy with God. When God first called me into ministry it was a time of recommitment for me as well and, obviously, there was a great sense of the intimate presence of God. As is common, over time, God seemed to withdraw that closeness little by little so that I was no longer living out of the emotions I was feeling, but out of the faith that God was present and working, even when I didn't sense Him.
Fast forward several years and I almost feel like I need to relearn what intimacy with the Lord is like. I'm afraid that it's been so long since I've had a consistent intimacy with God that I almost don't expect Him to fill that need in my heart. I never thought that I was pulling away, but I believe I have done so over a period of time where God didn't seem to show up as I experienced disappointment, frustration and pain. The closeness we once had seemed so completely absent that I began to stop looking for it.
Durning my quiet time at the Abbey, I wrote the following:
Early on, fellowship was free between us. As time went on, You gave me more space and freedom, which I mistook for abandonment - loving abandonment with room for me to grow and learn to love and trust You without feeling the emotions of intimacy.
I have craved that intimacy again, but when I couldn't seem to find it with You, I began to seek it elsewhere, not even knowing I was doing so. I began to rely on that intimacy more and more when I wasn't finding it with You and, eventually, even the intimacy of wife, family and friends, being human and finite, failed to completely fill the hunger.
I began to seek intimacy through false substitutes; through finding a sense of worth in the eyes of others. I was looking for intimacy and validation anywhere I could find it, because I didn't seem to be finding it with You as in the beginning.
Lord, help me come to the root of it. Help me recognize what I'm searching for and to be patient enough and sensitive enough to find it in You. Reignite a vibrant, passionate relationship with You again. Help me be restored to healthy intimacy in all areas of my life and help me recognize when I begin to settle for false substitutes when all I really want is You.
Teach me to trust You again. Teach me that You are still intimately involved and close to me. When no one else seems to want to be close to me, teach me that You are. Take the fragments of my self destruction and make me whole again.
Come, Lord Jesus, come.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Heaven
Our small group started a new study last night about heaven. It's from the Convergence DVD series hosted by Donald Miller, featuring insights from Randy Alcorn. Very interesting stuff and it sparked some good conversation. We spent a decent amount of time discussing what we thought heaven will be like, especially in light of Alcorn's assertion of it being a physical place in the "new heaven and new earth" as laid out in Revelation 21 and 2 Peter 3. Some of the discussion was light hearted along the lines of "will there be dogs there" and "will there be golf there" and others delved into issues of identity with the physical resurrection and whether we would even recognize each other.
The thing that I've been thinking through since last night is how quickly our thoughts turn to our comfort and our benefits when we discuss heaven. "What will I do? Will I see my loved ones? Will I get to ride a bike?" (that last one's for me). Since the hope of heaven is one of the greatest things that God has given us, I think He actually enjoys it when we dream about those kind of things. I think it's somewhat like when my kids start talking about their expectations for their birthday or Christmas. It's fun to hear about what they hope to receive when the day arrives, knowing some of what is in store for them. Most of the questions issued in the study sort of directed us to these types of topics.
As I've reflected more, I find myself praying that as we continue to explore this topic, that our hearts will become consumed less with our benefit and more with His glory. The glory of God far surpasses anything that we could hope for in this life or the life to come. As much as I enjoy thinking about joyous reunions, long awaited conversations and finally having a body mass index that meets the expectations of my WiiFit program, I believe we will be so overwhelmed and captivated by the glory and love of God that these will seem like trivial desires. I think God will still allow us the enjoyment and benefit of those things, but that we won't want them nearly as much when we begin to drown in the sea of His glory.
I'm definitely looking forward to further conversation and seeing how my thinking is shaped over the course of this study.
The thing that I've been thinking through since last night is how quickly our thoughts turn to our comfort and our benefits when we discuss heaven. "What will I do? Will I see my loved ones? Will I get to ride a bike?" (that last one's for me). Since the hope of heaven is one of the greatest things that God has given us, I think He actually enjoys it when we dream about those kind of things. I think it's somewhat like when my kids start talking about their expectations for their birthday or Christmas. It's fun to hear about what they hope to receive when the day arrives, knowing some of what is in store for them. Most of the questions issued in the study sort of directed us to these types of topics.
As I've reflected more, I find myself praying that as we continue to explore this topic, that our hearts will become consumed less with our benefit and more with His glory. The glory of God far surpasses anything that we could hope for in this life or the life to come. As much as I enjoy thinking about joyous reunions, long awaited conversations and finally having a body mass index that meets the expectations of my WiiFit program, I believe we will be so overwhelmed and captivated by the glory and love of God that these will seem like trivial desires. I think God will still allow us the enjoyment and benefit of those things, but that we won't want them nearly as much when we begin to drown in the sea of His glory.
I'm definitely looking forward to further conversation and seeing how my thinking is shaped over the course of this study.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Discipleship as a "ruined word"
I was reading a little this morning and came across a section in Exponential by Dave and Jon Ferguson where they explain why they choose to use the term "apprentice" rather than "disciple." It is their assessment that the word disciple is a "ruined word" that often doesn't mean what it meant to Jesus.
Their assertion is this: "Discipleship in the church today has more to do with consuming and absorbing cognitive content than it has anything to do with missional action. Being a disciple is more about an individual and his/her ability to get a passing grade on the subject matter, and less about being a follower of Jesus who lives in community with others for the sake of Christ's mission."
The more I think about discipleship resources that I've looked at and been through, the more I would have to say I agree with this, for the most part. I think most of the time discipleship is talked about in terms of Bible study and the cognitive formation that happens through interaction with the word of God. I do think some take it the next step and include an emphasis on prayer, fasting and other spiritual disciplines and this is typically where I would probably be guilty of leaving it as well.
Unfortunately, that would still fall short of the missional context of the word and the full meaning of what Jesus was trying to birth in his followers. Was he interested in them being disciplined in their pursuit of personal growth? Absolutely. But more so, he was interested in the fruit that would come out of the relationship developed with the Father. He was interested in how their growth would spill over into those they came in contact with as they walked in obedience in the Spirit.
This poses a few challenges for me personally:
1) What impact will this realization have on any kind of "discipleship" processes that I implement or oversee? It's easy to teach someone spiritual disciplines, it's more challenging (and time consuming) to help them recognize and engage in mission.
2) How will this be communicated in our leadership structure (I'm thinking primarily in small group structure right now) so that people that are engaged as apprentice leaders understand a larger missional focus that includes not only those that they are called to serve as small group leaders, but also those that come alongside them to learn as they are preparing to become leaders themselves?
These are really just initial thoughts and I'm sure more will follow.
Their assertion is this: "Discipleship in the church today has more to do with consuming and absorbing cognitive content than it has anything to do with missional action. Being a disciple is more about an individual and his/her ability to get a passing grade on the subject matter, and less about being a follower of Jesus who lives in community with others for the sake of Christ's mission."
The more I think about discipleship resources that I've looked at and been through, the more I would have to say I agree with this, for the most part. I think most of the time discipleship is talked about in terms of Bible study and the cognitive formation that happens through interaction with the word of God. I do think some take it the next step and include an emphasis on prayer, fasting and other spiritual disciplines and this is typically where I would probably be guilty of leaving it as well.
Unfortunately, that would still fall short of the missional context of the word and the full meaning of what Jesus was trying to birth in his followers. Was he interested in them being disciplined in their pursuit of personal growth? Absolutely. But more so, he was interested in the fruit that would come out of the relationship developed with the Father. He was interested in how their growth would spill over into those they came in contact with as they walked in obedience in the Spirit.
This poses a few challenges for me personally:
1) What impact will this realization have on any kind of "discipleship" processes that I implement or oversee? It's easy to teach someone spiritual disciplines, it's more challenging (and time consuming) to help them recognize and engage in mission.
2) How will this be communicated in our leadership structure (I'm thinking primarily in small group structure right now) so that people that are engaged as apprentice leaders understand a larger missional focus that includes not only those that they are called to serve as small group leaders, but also those that come alongside them to learn as they are preparing to become leaders themselves?
These are really just initial thoughts and I'm sure more will follow.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Shift of Focus and What it Means to Belong
A return to vocational ministry has definitely opened a new chapter in the journey for me. Ever since I felt a calling to ministry, I'd been engaged primarily in worship leading while also being involved in the overall scope of the life of the church I was serving to one degree or another.
A shift of focus to that of small groups and community life has been a refreshing one. It's accomplishing a few things for me. First, it's giving me a fresh focus where most of what I'm doing is new again. Yes, I have some experiences to draw on, but it's all still new enough to me that it will be awhile before I develop the ruts that I will inevitably have to break out of.
The other major thing that it's doing for me is that it's slowly rebuilding my confidence in my calling to serve in the local body. I've stated before that my last position, as much as I loved the people and the task of worship leading, was probably not a good fit for either the church or me. My confidence was torn down brick by painful brick as I wrestled with self doubt and the lack of confidence that others had in me to carry out the ministry. While I was disappointed that things didn't work out, I do believe that God used that in preparing me for a change in focus. I probably needed to be shaken loose from my identity as a worship leader in order to be ready to embrace a new calling.
Another thing that I am finding is that I'm wanting to revisit certain resources knowing that my perspective when interacting with them will probably be a bit different given the implications for a new ministry area. One of the books that I am rereading is The Search to Belong by Joseph R. Meyers. I had picked the book up for the church I was serving in Indiana six years or so ago as a resource for our adult ministries person, but had to read it myself as well. I remember it being thought provoking and having really challenging things to say about the narrow approach to relational ministries that most churches employ.
I'm sure I'll be writing a lot about this as I wrestle through the ideas contained in the book, but a few initial questions have already started to mill about in my head. What does it mean to "belong" (in the sense of community)? Do we as a church communicate that there is a set criteria for what it means to belong ("If you do a, b & c, then you're really a part of the church")? How are we at facilitating multiple, meaningful levels of community for people to connect with?
Trying to ask faithful questions to help us be a richer community is one of the things that I enjoy most. It will be interesting to see where this process leads.
A shift of focus to that of small groups and community life has been a refreshing one. It's accomplishing a few things for me. First, it's giving me a fresh focus where most of what I'm doing is new again. Yes, I have some experiences to draw on, but it's all still new enough to me that it will be awhile before I develop the ruts that I will inevitably have to break out of.
The other major thing that it's doing for me is that it's slowly rebuilding my confidence in my calling to serve in the local body. I've stated before that my last position, as much as I loved the people and the task of worship leading, was probably not a good fit for either the church or me. My confidence was torn down brick by painful brick as I wrestled with self doubt and the lack of confidence that others had in me to carry out the ministry. While I was disappointed that things didn't work out, I do believe that God used that in preparing me for a change in focus. I probably needed to be shaken loose from my identity as a worship leader in order to be ready to embrace a new calling.
Another thing that I am finding is that I'm wanting to revisit certain resources knowing that my perspective when interacting with them will probably be a bit different given the implications for a new ministry area. One of the books that I am rereading is The Search to Belong by Joseph R. Meyers. I had picked the book up for the church I was serving in Indiana six years or so ago as a resource for our adult ministries person, but had to read it myself as well. I remember it being thought provoking and having really challenging things to say about the narrow approach to relational ministries that most churches employ. I'm sure I'll be writing a lot about this as I wrestle through the ideas contained in the book, but a few initial questions have already started to mill about in my head. What does it mean to "belong" (in the sense of community)? Do we as a church communicate that there is a set criteria for what it means to belong ("If you do a, b & c, then you're really a part of the church")? How are we at facilitating multiple, meaningful levels of community for people to connect with?
Trying to ask faithful questions to help us be a richer community is one of the things that I enjoy most. It will be interesting to see where this process leads.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Community and Story
Getting into the groove with a new small group is always interesting. The group that my wife, Amy, is leading and we are hosting at our house has been pretty typical of the "getting to know you" dynamic of a new group. It's that place where we are willing to share on a very superficial level as we begin to assess how much we trust each other. We've been a part of a few new groups over the last 13 years and we know that each group is unique in how quickly that trust develops. Each group is also unique in how that trust develops. For some it's a slow burn with no defining moment, for others a moment of breakthrough happens and the dynamic of the group is changed forever. I think our group had one of those moments last night.
Before I go on, I will tell you by way of disclaimer that I believe strongly in the confidentiality of the group and will not be sharing anybody's story without first getting their permission to do so. That's a part of the trust that has to be established for a group to feel comfortable enough to share the hard stuff. Without it, we can never feel free to risk with each other in ways that allow us to be truly known by the people that God has placed us in community with.
Our group has been using a DVD resource about our stories and the discussion questions were very much built around giving us an opportunity to share our stories with one another. The questions haven't kept things at a surface level either as they've not only dealt with our backgrounds and faith journeys but have specifically asked us to share about our disappointments and struggles. We've been willing to share some of these things, but they have all been the things that we, personally, have already come to terms with. They are things that we still feel in control of and where resolution has already occurred in our minds.
So far, little risk.
Last night one of our group members took the plunge into the unknown and risked. A lot. They had not shared much over the first few weeks, but last night really opened up about their past, their hurt and the struggle of trusting in and walking with God in the midst of everything they had experienced. When they finished, there wasn't a dry eye and Amy, wisely, took some time to pray before moving on.
The beautiful thing was the response of the group wasn't one of pity, but one of genuine love and empathy. I didn't see in this person a weakness because of their brokenness, but a strength of spirit and a dogged determination to hold onto the hope of God no matter how hard it may be on any given day.
I believe that they opened a door for us last night and invited us to risk more and love deeper. My prayer is that we will be up to the challenge and will never be the same because we encountered something of the eternal in someone else's story.
Before I go on, I will tell you by way of disclaimer that I believe strongly in the confidentiality of the group and will not be sharing anybody's story without first getting their permission to do so. That's a part of the trust that has to be established for a group to feel comfortable enough to share the hard stuff. Without it, we can never feel free to risk with each other in ways that allow us to be truly known by the people that God has placed us in community with.
Our group has been using a DVD resource about our stories and the discussion questions were very much built around giving us an opportunity to share our stories with one another. The questions haven't kept things at a surface level either as they've not only dealt with our backgrounds and faith journeys but have specifically asked us to share about our disappointments and struggles. We've been willing to share some of these things, but they have all been the things that we, personally, have already come to terms with. They are things that we still feel in control of and where resolution has already occurred in our minds.
So far, little risk.
Last night one of our group members took the plunge into the unknown and risked. A lot. They had not shared much over the first few weeks, but last night really opened up about their past, their hurt and the struggle of trusting in and walking with God in the midst of everything they had experienced. When they finished, there wasn't a dry eye and Amy, wisely, took some time to pray before moving on.
The beautiful thing was the response of the group wasn't one of pity, but one of genuine love and empathy. I didn't see in this person a weakness because of their brokenness, but a strength of spirit and a dogged determination to hold onto the hope of God no matter how hard it may be on any given day.
I believe that they opened a door for us last night and invited us to risk more and love deeper. My prayer is that we will be up to the challenge and will never be the same because we encountered something of the eternal in someone else's story.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Spiritual Map & My Friend David
I just started a course through Sioux Falls Seminary a few weeks ago that is designed as a discipleship course for church staff and lay leaders. It wound up being sort of a last minute thing for me, but I knew that if I didn't grab the opportunity that it would be another year before anything like it came my way and that there are no guarantees that I would have the availability at a later date to engage in the process.
One of the things we were encouraged to do in the first session was to begin to work through a spiritual map of our lives in order to recognize and remember what God has done and to see what insights might be gained by a deeper exploration of our journey. A discussion that was launched from that exercise involved identifying someone that was instrumental in our walk and the impact that they had.
After a few days of reflection, there are several people that I could easily point to as having an impact. I've been blessed with a great family and have worked long term and short term with people in ministry to whom I owe an incredible debt of gratitude. But, if I had to pinpoint one person that has probably had the biggest impact on me in shaping my theology and philosophy of ministry I would have to say it is David Mullens.
David was a key part of the worship team at Hanfield UMC when I first started in ministry in 1997. He was a pastor who was serving in a role in the UMC's North Indiana Conference Office at the time and has since gone back into service in a local church. Whether intentional or not, David wound up being a mentor for me as I was an incredibly immature Christian called to lead a congregation in worship.
David's thoughtful intelligence and gentle patience with me as a young leader made for easy conversation on topics both theological and musical that gave me a deeper hunger to study and give further thought to whatever it was we discussed. He was also uniquely gifted at offering a word of correction when I made bad decisions or said something out of line (which I did quite a bit when I started in ministry). Rarely did I ever feel anger from any of those interactions, even when it would have been justified. Instead, it was a gentle rebuke from a friend that always gave opportunity for repentance and reconciliation.
I found over time that David's thoughtful consideration of Scripture, theology and ministry was the bench mark that I used in my own study and practice. There were many conversations that we had where I would address a topic that I'd given thought to just to see if it struck a similar chord in my friend and mentor. Even after he went back to serving as a pastor and I no longer had regular contact with him, I was always encouraged to discover that we were wrestling with some of the same topics and coming to similar conclusions.
Even though our interactions are much fewer now due to distance and life changes, I can still definitely sense David's influence in how I process this journey with God and what it means to live a faithful witness
One of the things we were encouraged to do in the first session was to begin to work through a spiritual map of our lives in order to recognize and remember what God has done and to see what insights might be gained by a deeper exploration of our journey. A discussion that was launched from that exercise involved identifying someone that was instrumental in our walk and the impact that they had.
After a few days of reflection, there are several people that I could easily point to as having an impact. I've been blessed with a great family and have worked long term and short term with people in ministry to whom I owe an incredible debt of gratitude. But, if I had to pinpoint one person that has probably had the biggest impact on me in shaping my theology and philosophy of ministry I would have to say it is David Mullens.
David was a key part of the worship team at Hanfield UMC when I first started in ministry in 1997. He was a pastor who was serving in a role in the UMC's North Indiana Conference Office at the time and has since gone back into service in a local church. Whether intentional or not, David wound up being a mentor for me as I was an incredibly immature Christian called to lead a congregation in worship.
David's thoughtful intelligence and gentle patience with me as a young leader made for easy conversation on topics both theological and musical that gave me a deeper hunger to study and give further thought to whatever it was we discussed. He was also uniquely gifted at offering a word of correction when I made bad decisions or said something out of line (which I did quite a bit when I started in ministry). Rarely did I ever feel anger from any of those interactions, even when it would have been justified. Instead, it was a gentle rebuke from a friend that always gave opportunity for repentance and reconciliation.
I found over time that David's thoughtful consideration of Scripture, theology and ministry was the bench mark that I used in my own study and practice. There were many conversations that we had where I would address a topic that I'd given thought to just to see if it struck a similar chord in my friend and mentor. Even after he went back to serving as a pastor and I no longer had regular contact with him, I was always encouraged to discover that we were wrestling with some of the same topics and coming to similar conclusions.
Even though our interactions are much fewer now due to distance and life changes, I can still definitely sense David's influence in how I process this journey with God and what it means to live a faithful witness
Refocusing
I've been giving some thought to the purpose of what I write here and realize that a purposeful refocusing of content is in order. This blog started as a means for me to sort through issues of theology, ministry and spiritual life. Since then it has gone through it's "newsletter" phase as we made a major move and this was a way for me to communicate with our friends and church family in Indiana and has barely survived many near deaths as time and responsibility made finding the time (let alone the purpose) to write nearly non-existent.
I am proposing to myself a return to the blog's roots. As I am engaging in a whole new realm of ministry (for me, anyway), I am finding a greater need to process through things I am experiencing and dreaming about doing in order to fulfill this new calling I have.
So, gone will be the days of the bike posts from this site (unless they have spiritual application). Fear not. They are not disappearing forever. They are simply moving here where they can take on a life of their own. My hope is that the less buckshot approach to writing in this space will help me to better focus my thoughts and bring greater continuity to the content that is found here.
My other hope is that I will find a little more freedom to write with a little more frequency. Time will tell...
I am proposing to myself a return to the blog's roots. As I am engaging in a whole new realm of ministry (for me, anyway), I am finding a greater need to process through things I am experiencing and dreaming about doing in order to fulfill this new calling I have.
So, gone will be the days of the bike posts from this site (unless they have spiritual application). Fear not. They are not disappearing forever. They are simply moving here where they can take on a life of their own. My hope is that the less buckshot approach to writing in this space will help me to better focus my thoughts and bring greater continuity to the content that is found here.
My other hope is that I will find a little more freedom to write with a little more frequency. Time will tell...
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